Breathe For Love

So... Buzznet isn't doing what i want it to do. :(

On to plan B! Save the Journals as drafts, log in to buzznet on my phone, and post on Tuesdays and Thursdays! :)

This chapter is kinda short, sorry!

HAYLEY’S POV

I pulled my phone out of my pocket as I felt it vibrate and glanced at the caller ID. Josh. I frowned and slipped it back into my pocket, feeling only slightly guilty for ignoring his call. We had only been back for a few days and, although I was starting to see things a bit more clearly, I wasn’t ready to fix things just yet.

“Hayley! Come on!” Hannah yelled from our living room. She had thrown a ‘surprise’ welcome home party for me with a few of our friends. I plastered a fake smile on my face and walked into the room with freshly made nachos.

“So, what’s up between all of you? You looked ready to kill when you got off the bus.” Bekah asked. “Mmm nachos! My heaven!”

I laughed and rolled my eyes. “Eh, Josh was being dumb… we fought… still have to make up. It’ll happen though, no need to worry.” I said, brushing off the question as best I could. Hannah frowned at me knowingly, but didn’t hint to the others that she knew what had happened.

“Needs salsa…” I mumbled after shoving nachos into my mouth. Hannah hopped up and followed me into the kitchen as I retrieved the salsa.

“Hayley, I know you don’t see it yet, but maybe you should give Josh a chance.” She said quickly. I raised my eyebrows and looked at her.

“Screw band rules!” She whispered. “You deserve to be happy. And nothing could be worse than it is now for the band anyway.”

“Hannah, please…” I sighed. I opened the refrigerator and dug around for a fresh jar of salsa. “You’ve gotta be kidding me.” I mumbled. “We’re out of salsa.”

“Popcorn, too!” Someone called from the living room. I groaned and walked to my room, in search of my debit card so I could make a food run.

“I’ll go, you stay here.” Hannah insisted.

“Nah, I need air anyway.” I smiled. Hannah sighed but handed over my debit card.

“You left it on the washing machine.” She informed.

“Thanks, hun.” I said. “Be back in a minute!” I called over my shoulder as I left. I took a deep breath as I walked out into the cool fall air and smiled. A walk would definitely do me good.

“Stop vibrating!” I complained to no one in particular as my phone pulsed in my pocket, letting me know I had a voicemail. I pulled it out and dialed my voicemail box, not even thinking that it was probably from Josh.

“You have one new voicemail. First voicemail:” A female voice informed.

“Hey, Hayley. It’s me…uh, Josh.” Josh’s voice said. I felt myself smile and I quickly pinched myself as punishment. “Uhm, I’m kinda glad I got your voicemail actually, I don’t know if I could do this face to face, er… voice to voice? Uh, yeah, whatever, glad I got voicemail.” I laughed quietly, he was funny when he was flustered. Voicemail-Josh cleared his throat and continued talking nervously. “I uh, just wanted to say… well… goodbye.” I stopped walking and pressed the phone hard against the side of my face, convinced I’d heard wrong.

“Not goodbye for good!” He clarified. “But…goodbye for now. I need some time away from you to clear my head. I don’t think… no, I know that I can’t deal with just being your friend right now. I just can't be around you and know that I can’t be with you. I need to not be in contact with you for a while.

Hayley, I love you, I always will, but right now I just can’t see you. I don’t know how long it will take, but I… I guess I’ll get in touch when I’m ready, If you’ll let me that is… I realize you may not think this is fair, and that this is really selfish of me, but please I need you to understand that I need this. It’s killing me to be around you, it's tearing me apart. I need to get away.” He paused for a few seconds. “Uh, I guess… well, that’s really all I have to say right now. I hope you can forgive me. Goodbye, Hayley.”

“To delete this message, press 7. To hear this message again, press 4.” The pre-recorded female voice cut back in. My phone clattered to the paved sidewalk and I gasped loudly, taking in some much needed air. I hadn’t even realized I’d stopped breathing. 


JOSH’S POV

“Hello?” I yawned into the phone receiver. Was it really only 11 at night?

“Josh!” A panicked voice replied.

“Hannah?” I asked.

“Have you seen Hayley?” She asked immediately.

“What? Uh… n-no? Why?” I asked, looking around my apartment in case she had somehow slipped in for some reason.

“She went on a snack run and hasn’t come back yet.” Hannah replied hurriedly. “She’s not answering her phone.”

“Do you not remember how easily distracted Hayley is?” I asked. “She’s probably found some make-up or something.”

“She left two hours ago.” Hannah said, worried. I felt a lump in my throat and I swallowed hard. “Do you have any idea where she might be?”

“Uh…” I cleared my throat. “No…”

“Shit.” Hannah sighed. “I’m gonna call around and head outside to look.”

“Me too.” I replied before hanging up. Shit. She probably heard my message. She wasn’t supposed to be alone on the streets in Franklin when she heard it. She was supposed to be in her apartment with Hannah. I grabbed my coat and ran out the door, not bothering to turn off the television.

~*~

“Hayley!” I called out for the thousandth time. My voice was already getting hoarse, I’d only been out here for fifteen minutes. I saw no signs of her, Hannah was having no luck either judging by the texts I was receiving every five minutes or so.

“Hayley?” I stopped dead as I saw a flash of red hair a few hundred yards away. I hurried down the street, toward a group of pubs. “Hayley!” I yelled as I spotted her. She didn’t look up. She was walking down the street, very unsteadily, dead to the world.

I ran over and placed my hand on her shoulder to get her to stop. She jumped and spun around quickly. She looked awful. Her hair was a mess, and her make-up was running down her face along with tears.

“I’ve lost him!” She wailed. “I drove him away. Asshole!” I frowned and quickly led her down a quiet side street so she wouldn’t attract any more attention.

“He’s gone and it’s all my fault!” She continued, tears flowing. She threw herself at me and wrapped her arms around my neck in an awkward hug. I patted her back, confused.

“I miss him! I want Josh!” She wailed into my chest.

“I’m right here, Hayley!” I insisted.

“He’s gone!” She sobbed. “He said goodbye!”

“Hayley! It’s ok. I’m right here.” I soothed. I took my chance as she rested her head on my shoulder, and sniffed her breath. I could smell a tiny bit of alcohol on it, but she actually seemed pretty sober. She was still hysterical though.

“Come on, lets get you inside.” I sighed. She was shaking like a leaf, though I wasn’t sure if it was from cold, or sorrow.

Half an hour later, Hayley was passed out on my bed and I was sitting across from her, staring. It hadn’t even occurred to me to take her back to her place, and now I was kicking myself for it. This was not a good start to my ‘distance myself from Hayley’ plan.

I sighed and slung my feet over the side of the bed, ready to go sleep on the couch.

“No! Don’t leave me!” Hayley gasped suddenly. “Josh already left, please stay!”

“Hayley!” I said harshly. “I am Josh!” I don’t know what was going on in her mind, but it was starting to get annoying.

She started crying once more. “Please!” She whispered. “Don’t leave.” I sighed and gave in, laying down next to her, as close to the edge of the bed as I could get. I couldn’t keep a smile off my face though, no matter how hard I tried. I was sharing a bed with Hayley. And, although the conditions were less than ideal, it made my heart skip a beat.

“Distance myself from Hayley starts tomorrow.” I promised myself.

“What?” Hayley asked sleepily.

“Nothing.” I assured. “Get some rest, you need it.”

Special hug for Laura, ILY!!

There should be a new post on Thursday. I think it will be for... "Your Own Disaster" but I haven't decided yet, heh.
I miss my laptop :(

I feel like this chapter is really random… but it gets across what needs to come across so… *shrugs*

JEREMY’S POV

Two days. Two days and we would all be free of this Josh and Hayley drama. Unfortunately, those two days were driving days. No long rest stops for everyone to go their separate ways and cool off. I was praying that we’d survive.

Only two more days.

Everyone was still unsure of what exactly was going on between the two, but I’m pretty sure Josh finally admitted his feelings for Hayley and she said no. They had all but admitted to that through their ‘quotes’.

They had taken turns writing those stupid quotes daily, the way they were behaving was so childish. We had all tried to get them to talk, but that had nearly ended in a trip to the emergency room for Taylor-the-Mediator. Ever since then, we all did our best to keep the two apart. Hayley took over the back lounge while Josh stayed in his bunk most of the time, so it wasn’t too difficult a task. We just had to watch for one person making a trip for food or the bathroom and be on guard for outbursts.

This is sofuckingridiculous. If things don’t change, there will be no Paramore. I refuse to put up with this bullshit.

“Josh, move!”

Oh, great… good morning Jeremy, here comes your daily dose of yelling…


JOSH’S POV

“I was here first! You move!” I replied as Hayley and I both tried to squeeze through the doorway to the front lounge.

“Josh! Just go, my God!” She sighed. I could practically hear Jeremy roll his eyes. I felt horrible for pulling everyone in to mine and Hayley’s…issue… but there wasn’t a whole lot I could do. We were both pretty stubborn people.

“It’s my turn for the quote board!” I yelled after her as she scurried by me.

“You did it yesterday!” She complained.

“I did not! Look, it’s your quote!” I nodded to the board. Hayley and I both looked to the board and froze.

'Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken.' It read.

“Uh…” Hayley started.

“Zac…” I whispered.

“What?” She asked.

“Zac and I watched Fight Club last night.” I sighed before wiping the board clean. “He must have written that after we were done watching it.”

“Whatever.” Hayley replied, trying to hide a giggle. A smile broke across my face as I really thought about the quote. In this context, it was pretty funny.

“Move.” Hayley ordered as she elbowed me in the stomach.

“It’s my turn!” I complained as she picked up the dry-erase marker.

“Will you both shut the fuck up!” Jeremy screamed. I bit my lip and saw Hayley wince.

“Sorry Jeremy.” We whispered simultaneously.

“No! Sorry doesn’t cut it. You two need to grow the fuck up. This is ridiculous.” Jeremy ranted. “If this doesn’t get solved by the next band practice, you can find a new bass player.” He finished, stomping off to the back lounge. My heart sank.

I heard Hayley sniffle and I realized she was crying. I absentmindedly hugged her and felt her relax into my arms. I rubbed her back soothingly, trying to think of something to say.

She suddenly looked up at me, eyes glistening with tears, with her lips parted. She cocked her head to the side and licked her lip slowly. My heart sped up as I moved my head toward hers. She placed her hand behind my neck and smiled ever so slightly.

Next thing I knew, the bus came to a definitive halt as we arrived at a rest stop for breakfast and Hayley jumped away. She looked at me curiously before turning and hurrying off the bus. I groaned and ran my hands through my hair in frustration. How can she do something like that and then say she doesn’t like me? She had been doing little things like that all week!

“What the hell did you do to Jeremy?” Zac demanded as he entered the lounge.

“I’m sorry.” I sighed. “I’ll fix everything.” I promised. This was getting out of hand. Jeremy was threatening to leave. Partially because of me.

What had I become? A few days ago I never would have been able to imagine myself behaving like this. Hayley and I had both become so selfish over the past few days, not thinking for a moment about how we were impacting our band mates. I felt my stomach churn as I realized how we must look to everyone else on the bus, always yelling and glaring, with no real explanation. It’s a miracle that no one snapped before this morning.

I grabbed the marker, it was my turn for the quote after all, and scribbled out my very last quote, well, two quotes really. I was giving in. She could write whatever the hell she wanted over the next few days, I wasn’t going to fight back.

‘There’s something in your eyes that is keeping my hope alive, but I’m sick of myself when I look at you.
You gave me more to live for than you’ll ever know.’

“Josh!” Zac called as I walked to the door. I ignored him as he repeated himself and hurried off to find Hayley. This had to end.


HAYLEY’S POV

Now, I really hated Josh …I think…

If Jeremy left the band because of this, I would never ever forgive Josh. Why did he have to do this? Why couldn’t he keep it to himself? Or tell me when we weren’t on tour so we could have some space? And how could he always get me so… I don’t even know! I just… lost all self-control around him. How did he do it? I absolutely hated that he had so much power over me.

I pressed myself against the tree I was leaning against as I heard Josh call my name. Maybe if I tried hard enough, I could blend in with the tree.

“Hayley, we need to talk.” He said as he jogged over to me. I pursed my lips, fighting with myself not to speak for fear of what I’d say.

“Come on!” He groaned in frustration. “We have to fix this!” I nodded, but didn’t speak.

“Fine. You know what? Screw you.” He spat. “I give up. I’m not doing this stupid quotes thing anymore. Come talk to me when you decide to grow the fuck up.”

“Fuck you, Josh!” I yelled as he walked away.

“No!” He screamed, spinning back around to face me. “Fuck you!”

I felt hot tears burn at my eyes once more as I thought of Jeremy. “This is all your fault!” I screamed. “Why couldn’t you keep your fucking mouth shut?!”

“You cannot blame me for this!” Josh fought back, gesturing to the bus. “You’re a part of this too. If he leaves, it’s on both of us.” I was sobbing now. The thought of losing Jeremy, because of Josh was unbearable. Yes, I hadn’t really done anything to help reduce the tension between us, but really? If he hadn’t said anything, this wouldn’t be happening. I wanted, more than anything, to go back to that night and never get out of my bunk. If I had just stayed put, he wouldn’t have confessed and this never would have started.

I looked up as Josh walked over, sympathy written over his face. It was only then that I realized I was shaking like mad from crying.

“No!” I screamed as he tried to comfort me. “Leave me alone!” My voice was going hoarse now.

“Fine.” He whispered. “I give up. You win. Whatever.” He turned and walked away slowly. I felt an odd sinking feeling and wiped away fresh tears before heading for my bunk. Maybe I could just sleep my way through the next two days.

~*~

JOSH’S POV

We made it. The tension on the bus had risen to breaking point, but in ten minutes, we’d be home. We all desperately needed time apart.

Hayley had written one last quote on the board yesterday morning before Zac wrote ‘forgive and forget’, thinking he was being smart. Her quote was from a Jimmy Eat World song. ‘Can’t say I was never wrong, but some blame rests on you. Work and play they’re never ok to mix the way we do.’ Ok, I could understand that one. Maybe I could have waited until we got home and we weren’t ‘at work’ on the road. I think we’ve already deducted that a certain night about a week ago was a huge lapse of judgment on my part, but it also had to be done.

As we pulled into the parking lot where our families were waiting, we all burst off the bus and sped away from each other as fast as we could. If Paramore wasn’t ok after all of this blew over, I don’t know what I would do. We were a strong group though, I was pretty sure we could survive this. And if we didn’t …well, it was fun wile it lasted…

“What’s going on?” My mother asked, echoing everyone else’s parents as they watched us scurry away from each other.

“Good to be home.” I mumbled. She raised an eyebrow at me, but didn’t press for information. There would be plenty of time for that later.

I looked at Hayley and sighed. I knew what I had to do. It would be hard, but there was no other way. I had to get over her and make things better.

Ok, so laptop officially gets sent out tomorrow *cringe* I'll set up jornals tonight that will, in theory, be automatically posted on... hmm... Tuesdays/Thursdays? around midnight (Buzznet/PST time) while my laptop is gone. Hopefully I'll get my laptop back sometime after July 10th :'(

*sobs* I'll miss you guyzzz!

Well... technically I can still get on to Buzznet through my phone, so technically I'll still be in contact. But there's NO way I'm typing up a chapter on my phone... hahaha

HOLY PANCAKES! New Paramore album info posted on the PFC an hour or so ago!!!!!

"Brand New Eyes" out 9/29/09 Happy Birthday Josh!

Good job on the album art, Ryan Russell! It looks great!

TRACKLIST:
1. Careful
2. Ignorance
3. Playing God
4. Brick by Boring Brick
5. Turn It Off
6. The Only Exception
7. Feeling Sorry
8. Looking Up
9. Where the Lines Overlap
10. Misguided Ghosts
11. All I Wanted

Pre-order in less than 2 weeks on Paramore.net! GET STOKED!

Also: "Ignorance" will be released on iTunes/Amazon/other online music stores on July 7th (same day as pre-order on paramore.net!)

EDIT:Just realized the album art is posted on the paramoremusic LJ community, so I guess there's no harm in posting it here.:)

Loooooove it!

Edit #2:

 Preview of the album version of 'Ignorance' here: Ignorance - Amazon.com

Ok sooooo... the service plan on my laptop runs out in like, a week. And my Mac is having issues. Speakers blown, headphone jack screwed up (hmm maybe I listen to music too much?), fan dying, hard drive being r00d blah blah blah.

ANYWAY this means that my laptop will be gone for 10to14businessdays>.< ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! :( I have no back up computer that I can type chapters up on, but I have access to one that I will probably be able to get on for at least a few minutes at a time so I'll hopefully still be able to at least stay in contact for the next 2 weeks.

My plan is to write all day tomorrow and see if I can set up some pre-done journals on buzznet that will post on future dates, but I'm not sure how that will end up working out since I'm having a hard time making myself write right now.

I should send my laptop out tomorrow... but... well, we'll see. If I don't do it tomorrow, nothing ships over the weekend, so no point in bringing it in until Monday, haha.

Wow, it's sickening how addicted I am to my computer. I'm going to go insane if I am completely computer-less over the next 2 weeks...

I (think I) promise that there will be AT LEAST two chapters posted while I'm gone. I'm going to aim for 2 per week though, 4 total. (assuming that the whole 'write out journals, save them as drafts, and tell Buzznet to publish them a in a few days time' thing works.)

Whew, so, four chapters to write today/tomorrow... should be fun!

I hope my computer gets fixed quickly D: I've been putting this off for about a year now... hahaha

And to everyone I talk to on MSN/AIM: I will at least be able to get on MSN/AIM through my phone, so I wont be completely out of the loop while my laptop is gone. :) 

Ok, so I lied about not updating for a while. I kinda forgot how important that last chapter was, hahah. Don’t want to leave you hanging. So THIS will be the last chapter for a little while. Laptop needs repairs :/

This one's pretty emotional. Enjoy!

Josh froze in place and his eyes went wide. “I-is that… is that my son?”

Hayley turned on her heel and ran right into a stunned Jeremy.

“Ouch!” She said quietly, rubbing her nose.

“Hayley!” Josh called at the same time. “Hayley, don’t you dare walk away from me!”

“Leave me alone, Josh!” Hayley spat.

“Mommy?” Ethan asked, suddenly scared by the tone in his mother’s voice.

“You know Mr. N?” Samuel asked once more. By now, the two remaining parents in the room gathered their daughter and left.

“Hayley, you can’t just keep him from me!” Josh called after her as she snaked around Jeremy to get to the door.

“I can do whatever the hell I want!” Hayley replied angrily. “I’m his mother.”

“No.” Sarah said forcefully as Hayley reached the door.

“Sarah, move.” Hayley demanded.

“I can’t let you leave, Hayley.” Sarah said, looking apologetic yet stern. “You two need to talk. Ethan needs to see his father.”

“Daddy?” Ethan asked. “Where?” Josh didn’t reply. He bit his lip hard and his eyes glazed over with tears as he laid eyes on his son for the first time.

“God, he’s so beautiful.” Josh whispered. He took a step closer and Hayley mirrored him by taking a step back.

“No!” She said, trying her hardest not to cry. “You gave him up two years ago. You left us. You are not his father.” She finished, lip trembling.

“Hayley.” Sarah said quietly, trying to take a very confused Ethan from her arms. Hayley shook her head vigorously and held on to her son.

“Hayley, we’re going to take him home. He shouldn’t be here right now.” Sarah said soothingly. “You two need to talk and I think you could use a night alone anyway. Ethan can stay with us tonight. We have a Pack ‘n Play, he can sleep in that.” Hayley clutched Ethan tighter, careful not to hurt him, and took yet another step away from Josh.

“Hayley.” Jeremy tried. “Ethan needs to come with me now.” He said firmly. He reached out and gently grabbed Ethan around the waist. Hayley nodded, finally giving in, and handed him over.

“Jeremy, please.” Josh begged. “Let me see him.”

Jeremy hesitated, but shook his head. “I’m sorry, Josh.” Jeremy said quietly. “Later.”

“Momma!” Ethan cried. “No! I want mommy!”

“You’re going to stay the night with Sammy!” Hayley said, smiling as best she could. “Isn’t that fun?” Ethan shook his head and began to cry.

“Ethan, sweetie, mommy is ok.” Hayley insisted after wiping away a few tears that had escaped her eyes. “I’ll come get you tomorrow morning. I love you, so, so much.” She kissed him gently. Ethan began sobbing as Jeremy started walking away.

“Ethan, everything is fine.” Hayley assured. “Do you want a hug?” She asked. He nodded, tears still streaming. She hugged him tight and turned to the side so he could plant a sloppy kiss on her cheek. This calmed him down a bit, and once he was convinced she was all right, he stopped blubbering and allowed Jeremy and Sarah to take him out of the room.

As they left, Sarah closed the door behind her, ordering both Hayley and Josh not to leave until they had talked. Hayley sighed as she turned to face Josh, and took a seat on top of one of the tables in the room.

They sat in complete silence for fifteen minutes. Fifteen minutes before either of the two attempted to even acknowledge one another. A million things were running through both their heads.

“Hayley…”

“Shut up.” Hayley spat.

“Listen I-“

“No, you listen!” She cut him off once more. “You have no right to come marching back into his life after two years of pretending he doesn’t exist!”

“Hayley, I was stupid back then-”

“Damn right you were!” She spat.

“I’ve been trying to get into his life for the past 18 months now!” Josh defended. “As soon as I left, I realized how stupid I was. It just took me a while to get up the courage to be a father.”

“Oh! You had to gain the courage to be a father.” Hayley scoffed. “Lucky you, you had time to figure out how to deal with it. I got thrown into it with no support whatsoever!” She yelled.

“Your mom-“

“No support from the one fucking person I needed support from!” Hayley corrected quickly. “I had no one there to go through it with me! You do not get to show up now and pretend everything is ok and say you needed time. It doesn’t work that way.”

“I’m so sorry.” Josh said quietly. “Hayley, I am so sorry! I freaked out!”

“I freaked out too!” Hayley cried hysterically, tears flowing freely now. Josh bit his lip, not knowing what to say. He wasn’t prepared to deal with this tonight.

“Hayley, I know I fucked up. Majorly.” Josh started. “But please, why wont you let me be there to help you now?” Hayley didn’t immediately respond. She took a moment to gather herself and took a deep breath.

“I’ve done this alone for two years so far, I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m going to do it alone from now on.”

“Hayley, I want to help!” Josh sighed. 

“You gave up that right when you left.” She spat.

“You didn’t really give me a choice!” He replied, angry now. “I told you my thoughts on dealing with the situation, you shot me down and never gave me a chance to compromise. Or even to come to terms with everything!

“You could have tried ‘compromising’ before he was six months old!” Hayley said.

“And how in the hell was I supposed to do that? You wouldn’t see me!”

“You never tried, Josh! You never fucking tried!” Hayley yelled. “After he was three months old, I gave up all hope on you! I wanted to believe you would come back, but you didn’t. You left us alone.”

“Hayley, come on.” Josh sighed after a few minutes. “He’s my son!” His eyes teared up a bit. “Please… please don’t make me take this to court.”

“No!” Hayley nearly screamed, horrified. “You can’t! You can’t just show up and take him away from me!” That had been her biggest fear. She had endless nightmares of Josh somehow proving to the court that she was an unfit mother and the judge ruling that Josh would get full custody of Ethan.

“I’m not going to take him away!” Josh assured. “Just see him every couple of days.”

“No!” Hayley wailed, hysterical now. “Please! My baby. I can’t live without my baby.” Josh stood in awe at Hayley’s reaction to the word ‘court’. He felt slightly horrible for even mentioning it. He knew Hayley was a good mother, did she really think he would try to get Ethan taken away from her?

“Hayley…” Josh said quietly. He took a step to her.

“No! Stay away from me!” She demanded, holding her arms out in front of her. He ignored her and took another step closer. Horror filled her eyes, but Josh could swear he saw longing mixed in too. He placed his hands on her shoulders and cocked his head to the side.

“I am not taking him away from you.” He assured. “I would never do that to you.” He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into his chest. “You need to calm down.”

“No!” Hayley screamed. “Let me go!” She kicked and pushed herself away as best she could but Josh was too strong. She finally collapsed against him, sobbing. That was another thing she was afraid of. Josh had some sort of freakish power to calm her down. She could feel her anger subsiding, which was exactly what she didn’t want. She wanted to be angry with him for leaving his son and her.

Josh buried his head into her shoulders and held her tight. He shooed a janitor out of the room that had come to see what all the racket was about and hoped that Hayley hadn’t heard the door open.

“I know I’ve been a major jerk…”

“Fuck off.” Hayley spat, finally getting out of Josh’s grasp. She glared at him, anger building up once more, but she couldn’t make herself act on it. Something about his eyes was morphing her anger into something else. Josh’s heart stopped as his eyes met with hers. Oh, how he’d missed looking into those green eyes…

He took a step toward her confidently and pulled her into him. She gasped as their hips met and her eyes fluttered shut as Josh inched closer to her. He lightly brushed a stray piece of hair out of her eyes and rested his hand on the side of her face.

“Fuck you, Josh.” Hayley whispered. “Fuck y-oh!” She gasped as his lips brushed against hers, ever so lightly. Oh, God, she missed him. For the first time in months, she was suddenly calm. All her worries vanished. She felt like, for once in her life, everything was going to be ok. 

She placed her hand behind his head and pulled him toward her eagerly. Josh licked her lip slowly and their yelling match was instantly taken over by their tongues as the two battled for dominance. Josh moaned and gave in, letting Hayley take over. He pushed her up against the nearest wall and pinned her against it, allowing his forearms rest on the wall for support.

Hayley sighed happily as Josh’s hands frantically explored her body. She pulled at his shirt, untucking it from his pants, and slipped her fingers underneath it. He groaned loudly as her cool fingers brushed over his warm stomach and shut his eyes.

She gasped as he lifted her into the air easily and set her back down on his desk, still kissing her hard. She hadn’t felt like this in ages, her heart was pounding out of her chest and adrenaline was pumping through her veins. The thought of a janitor or teacher walking in at any moment only heightened their senses and made every miniscule touch feel ten times better.

Her hands quickly found their way further under his shirt and she moved them up and down his back, extracting a quiet moan from him. He gently pushed her down so she was laying on his desk and ran his hands along her sides.

“Ouch!” Hayley gasped as something poked into her back. 

“Ah, sorry.” Josh blushed. He grabbed one end of a plastic flute and pulled it out from under her, throwing it over his shoulder. “Messy desk…” He mumbled. She pulled at his belt and loosened it before she grabbed a hold of his shirt and pulled him on top of her.

“I missed you, Hayley.” Josh gasped as they started to move together frantically.

“I’ve missed you too!” Hayley assured, eyes snapping shut. “Oh, Josh!”

~*~

“We should probably get out of here.” Hayley giggled, an hour later. Josh grunted from beside her on the floor and pulled her close. Darkness now filled the room and Hayley could barely make out the bare chest that was underneath her.

“Seriously.” She said. “Sarah will be wondering why I haven’t called.”

“No! Stay with me.” Josh complained, probably with his famous pout, Hayley couldn’t really tell in the darkness. Either way, she curled back up next to him.

“That was amazing.” He sighed. “You realize you’re a MILF, right?” Hayley laughed and rested her head on Josh’s chest.

“I can’t believe that just happened.” Hayley groaned. “I hate you.”

“What?! No!” Josh gasped exaggeratedly. Hayley rolled her eyes and sat up.

“Ok, seriously, before you go, we need to figure out this Ethan thing.” Josh said quickly. He wasn’t going to let her get away that easily.

Hayley sighed. “Alright. Well… I suppose I could bring him by this weekend and we can see how it goes from there.”

Josh smiled. “That sounds great. Thank you, Hayley.”

“Yeah, whatever.” She replied. “Get dressed before the janitors find you like this.” She advised.

“Not even a goodbye kiss?” Josh asked as Hayley headed for the door.

“You can do without!” She called over her shoulder.

“At least let me give you a ride.” He offered.

“I’ll manage on my own.” She replied, a bit of edge in her voice.

“Great, use me for sex and leave me.” Josh sighed to himself sarcastically. “Just what I wanted…”

hehe :P

Hope everything makes sense, it's like... 3:05 in the morning right now... I should probably sleep. Thanks Katie and Katie for keeping me company on MSN! :) And big thanks for helping out, too. :)

Also, Laura, I still feel like I can't get enough air from laughing so hard earlier. :D

So... I told myself I wouldn't update until Sunday, but I've never had much self control, soooooo.... oops? hahha

Updates are going to be slow for a few weeks, more about that in a later post, lol

“What would you like to do before auntie Sarah comes?” Hayley asked her son. Ethan immediately took off for the dining-room-turned-playroom and ran back to Hayley with a piece of chalk. Hayley smiled and followed him back to the playroom. She took a seat next to him in front of a child-sized chalkboard and turned to Ethan.

“What am I drawing?” She asked.

“Bo-family!” Ethan replied. Hayley had no idea where the name ‘bo-family’ had come from, but she quickly learned that a ‘bo-family’ consisted of her, Ethan, Sarah, Jeremy, Samuel and, on some occasions, daddy.

She pulled Ethan into her lap and began drawing. She gave each face it’s own little quirk so Ethan could tell them apart. “Who is this?” she asked as she finished the drawings.

“Bo-momma!” Ethan replied happily, noticing the gap teeth on that particular face.

“And this?” Hayley pointed to the next face, which had a big grin.

“Bo-Ethan!” He yelped. “And that’s bo-Sawah, and bo-Jurbear, and bo-Sammy!” He finished excitedly.

“Very good!” Hayley smiled.

“You forgetted bo-daddy! Draw bo-daddy!” He demanded. Hayley inwardly groaned. What was with this sudden fascination with dad?

“What do we say?” Hayley asked.

“Pweeeeeese!” Ethan added.

“Good boy.” Hayley smiled. She sighed and added another face, far away from the rest of the ‘bo-family’.

“Bo-daddy!” Ethan grinned as Hayley finished the drawing.

“Yeah…” Hayley replied, less than enthused. “Phew! You need a diaper change, little man.” Ethan giggled and took off running.

“Perfect.” Hayley mumbled. She wasn’t in the mood for a chase. To her surprise, Ethan came running back around the corner with a fresh diaper and wipes. “Here mommy!” He said, holding the diaper out.

“Thank you, Ethan.” She smiled. “Where do you want to change? In here on the floor or on the couch?” She had learned early on to give him options. Diaper changing ran much more smoothly this way. He dragged her into the living room and pulled himself onto the couch.

“There, all fresh.” Hayley smiled as she threw the dirty diaper into the trash. Ethan yawned and curled up next to Hayley.

“You are not gonna make it through the night, buddy.” Hayley grinned. As if on cue, the doorbell rang.

“You ready for this?” Sarah asked as Hayley appeared at the front door.

“Of course!” Hayley grinned. “I’ve been looking forward to it all week. I get to scout out my son’s future school.” Hayley laughed.

“You obviously haven’t been around a lot of kindergarteners, eager to show you their artwork.” Sarah shook her head, jokingly. Hayley grinned. She totally didn’t mind being pulled in all directions by kids showing off their art skills. She was definitely what most would call ‘good with children.’

“Lets go!” Hayley replied. She buckled Ethan into the car seat in Sarah’s SUV and they took off.

~*~

“Auntie Hayley! Come look!” Samuel said as soon as they walked into his classroom.

“Mommy! Up!” Ethan said at the same time. Hayley picked him up and followed Samuel to a wall, decorated with colorful construction paper while Sarah and Jeremy talked with Sam’s teacher, Mrs. Joyce.

“Look what I did.” Samuel said proudly. There, on a red piece of construction paper, was a crude drawing of five stick figures. “This one is Daddy, and this one is Mommy.” Samuel informed, pointing to each stick figure. “And this one is me, and that is Ethan and that is you!” He finished with a smile. Hayley grinned widely.

“Are you and Ethan playing in this picture?” She asked.

Sam nodded enthusiastically. “We’re playing pirates!” He informed.

“Why does your mommy have a big circle here?” Hayley asked, pointing to a lopsided circle on stick-figure-Sarah’s torso.

“That’s the baby!” Sam giggled. His eyes widened, and he put his hand on his hip.

“Oh! Right!” Hayley said, placing her hand on her head exaggeratedly. “I forgot!”

“Silly Hayley!” Sam laughed.

“Silly me!” She replied with a smile.

“Hayley, did you want to talk to the principal?” Sarah asked as he walked into the room.

“Oh, yes!” Hayley replied. She hurried over to ask a few questions about enrollment as Sarah and Jeremy went on Sam’s tour of the classroom.


When Hayley was finished talking with the principal, she looked around for Jeremy and Sarah but didn’t find them.

“I think Sammy has dragged them to the gym for ice cream.” Mrs. Joyce informed as she spotted Hayley.

“Thank you.” Hayley smiled. “Come on Ethan.” She shifted him up on her hip a bit and hurried to find they gym.

“Boy, you’re getting heavy!” Hayley complained quietly.

“You’re a stick.” Ethan giggled.

“What?” Hayley smiled, stopping in the middle of the hallway to look at him. “Who said that?” She asked. Ethan giggled and rested his head on her shoulder.

“Uncle Tay-Tay.” He replied quietly.

“Yeah? Well, uncle Tay-Tay is a monkey.” Ethan laughed loudly and twisted around to look at the art littering the hallway walls as Hayley continued walking once more.

“Hey Ethan!” Sammy cried as Hayley walked into the gym.

“Sarah!” Hayley frowned. “What’s wrong?” She asked as she saw tears in Sarah’s eyes.

“Sammy drew a picture of me and wrote me a little poem!” Sarah said pointing to a picture on a nearby wall. “Damn hormones!” She said angrily.

“Aw, babe!” Jeremy said, wrapping his arm around her.

“No! Shut up! You did this to me!” She groaned, pushing Jeremy away gently. Hayley laughed and handed Ethan over to Jeremy. She walked over to Sarah and hugged her.

“You have a good kid.” She noted after she read the short poem, her cheek resting on Sarah’s shoulder. She felt Sarah nod and heard a sniffle.

“Very good kid.” Jeremy said soothingly, rubbing Sarah’s back. Hayley could tell he wasn’t quite sure how to act around his pregnant wife at this particular moment in time.

“Mommy?” Sam asked quietly. “Did I do something bad? I’m sorry.” Sarah quickly knelt down to the ground to get to his level.

“No baby! You did something good.” She assured. “Sometimes, when grown-ups cry it’s because we’re happy.” She explained.

“Oh!” Sam replied. He hugged Sarah and smiled proudly. “I made mommy cry!” He boasted.

Sarah laughed loudly and ruffled his hair. “Ok, lets get some ice cream.”

“Ice keem!” Ethan screeched.

“Wow, you got some lungs, kid!” Jeremy winced.

~*~

“Can we pah-leeeeeeese go see Mr. N now?” Sam complained for the thousandth time.

“Let mommy finish talking to her friends.” Jeremy replied.

“Mommy won’t ever finish talking to her friends!” Sam said, folding his arms angrily. Jeremy laughed, earning a quick glare from Sarah.

“I think I’m gonna head out soon.” Hayley said with a yawn. “I can walk home, it’s not far from here.”

“I am not letting you and Ethan walk home.” Jeremy stated. “This thing is wrapping up anyway. We’ll be out of here within the next fifteen minutes or so if you can hang in that long.”

“I suppose so.” Hayley replied. Seconds later, Jeremy was pulled into a conversation with a group of bored dads. Hayley sighed and rested her head on the table and pretended to fall asleep.

“Mommy!” Ethan giggled. “No sleepy!” He gently pushed her shoulder. “Wake uuuuup!” He sang. “Waaaaake uuuuup! Mommaaaa!”

“Boo!” Hayley said, jerking her head up suddenly. Ethan shrieked and began laughing.

“Again!” He demanded. Hayley rested her head on the table once more and waited for Ethan to wake her up.

“Alright, alright, I’m ready!” Sarah laughed as Samuel tugged at her leg. “Let’s go!”

“Mr. N!” Samuel grinned. “Come on!” Hayley scooped Ethan into her arms and followed Sam to the art and music classroom.

“Shoot, we’re missing Jeremy.” Sarah sighed as they exited they gym.

“Mommyyy!” Samuel complained.

“It’s ok, you guys go ahead. We’ll catch up.” Sarah smiled.

“Alright.” Hayley called over her shoulder.

“It’s just down here…” Sam said, skipping down the hall in excitement. Hayley laughed quietly to herself and wished she could remember loving a teacher as much as Sam loved this Mr. N.

As they walked into the art and music classroom an odd feeling settled over Hayley. The first thing she noticed was “Mr. Neil” written across a chalkboard. Her eyes scanned the room and she cocked her head to the side curiously as she spotted Mr. Neil with his back to her. The gears started turning in her head, but she still couldn’t place exactly why everything seemed so strange. When had school started? The end of August?

“He’s been back since, oh when did he come back… must have been August.”
Hayley gasped as she remembered Mrs. Farro’s words.

“No!” Hayley whispered quietly.

“Mr. N!” Sam squealed.

“Sammy, no!” She cried out.

“Sammy!” Mr. N turned around. Hayley’s jaw dropped as her eyes met with his.

“Hayley?” Joshua Neil Farro said slowly. Hayley opened her mouth to reply but nothing came out.

“You know Mr. N?!” Samuel gasped.

“Momma!” Ethan yelped. Hayley quickly pulled him on her hip as she realized she had been letting him slip down in her shock of running in to Josh.

Josh froze in place and his eyes went wide. “I-is that… is that my son?”

OH BOY! Hehehe. Some of you guessed it, congratulations, haha. I tried really hard to keep it a secret. Hope at least some of you were surprised! :)

This is kind of a ‘get to know Ethan’ chapter. …sooooooorta… hahah. Enjoy! Hopefully it's not too boring.

P.S. Having some MAJOR formatting issues... Sorry if this ends up publishing strangely!

“Hello, Ms. Williams.” Kelly, Ethan’s daycare provider, greeted warmly.

“Hello!” Hayley smiled. “How was he today?” She asked, waiving at her son happily.

“Well, we had a bit of a difficult day.” Kelly informed.

“What?” Hayley frowned. “Really? What happened?”

“Hi mommy!” Ethan squealed as he ran over.

“Hey baby!” Hayley smiled. “Why don’t you go play some more while mommy talks to Ms. Kelly. Then we’ll go to the grocery store!” Ethan grinned and nodded before hurrying away, he loved the grocery store.

“Why don’t we talk over here?” Kelly suggested, leading Hayley to a corner of the room.

“What’s going on?” Hayley asked, worried.

“Ethan is getting to that age…” Kelly started. Hayley furrowed her eyebrows, confused.

“He’s at the age where he doesn’t like to share, and cries when he doesn’t get his way.” Kelly explained. “And we had a minor hitting incident today.”

“What!” Hayley gasped. She sighed and ran a hand through her hair. “I-I’m so sorry.” She said. “Um…”

“Miss Williams,” Kelly smiled, “don’t be sorry. It’s perfectly normal.” She assured. “Just try not to reinforce bad behaviors, and do what you can to show him that sharing is a good thing. I’ll work with him here as well.”

Hayley nodded, slightly shocked, and worried. “Alright. Thank you.”

“Prepare yourself for some public outbursts.” Kelly advised. “Stay firm. ‘No’ is ‘no’. It’s important that all kids learn that.”

“Oh, jeez, this might be tough.” Hayley laughed as she looked over to her son. It was so hard not to give in at his pout.

“It’ll be hard, but you can do it.” Kelly smiled reassuringly. “My best advice is, let the crying go on until he’s worn out. Otherwise he’ll learn that if he cries long enough, he’ll get his way and then you’ll really be in trouble.” She finished with a laugh.

“Of course.” Hayley replied. “Thanks.”

“No problem. See you tomorrow.” Kelly waived.

“Come on, EJ!” Hayley knelt down as Ethan ran over. He hugged her tightly and she picked him up.

“Ms. Kelly was mean.” He pouted. Hayley frowned.

“Why is that?” She asked as the walked out of the daycare.

“She took my toys away!” Ethan complained.

“Well, honey, you need to share your toys with the other kids.” Hayley said simply. Ethan frowned but was quickly distracted by the car.

“Shoppin!” He grinned, clapping his hands together happily.

“That’s right, it’s time to go shopping.” Hayley smiled, thankful for kids’ short attention spans. 

~*~

“Mommy! Grammy Davis!” Ethan grinned, pointing excitedly from his seat in the grocery cart to someone behind Hayley. Hayley sighed and turned around. Why could grocery shopping never be a quick chore?

“Well look who it is!” Jeremy’s mother smiled, spotting Ethan. “EJ!” She hurried over.

“How are you doing?” She asked Hayley.

“Pretty well, how are you?” Hayley replied.

“Oh, good, good.” She smiled. “Just impatiently waiting for my granddaughter to be born.” Hayley smiled.

“They found out the sex of the baby then?” She asked, referring to Sarah and Jeremy.

“No, no, not yet. But I’m sure it will be a girl.” Jeremy’s mother insisted. “Jeremy still says it will be a boy. Next week, he’ll find out that mother’s always right.”

“That’s true!” Hayley laughed. “I’m surprised he hasn’t learned that yet.”

“You’d better start early with Ethan.” Mrs. Davis joked.

“Momma’s always right!” Ethan repeated happily.

“There you go!” She smiled. “Smart boy. Well, I’d better be off. I’m taking Samuel to a movie at three-thirty.”

“Alright, nice to see you!” Hayley smiled. “Have fun.” She and Ethan hugged Mrs. Davis and Hayley continued pushing her cart down the aisle.

“Oh, look Ethan!” Hayley gushed. “Dried apricots! Your favorite.” She grabbed a bag and threw it into the cart.

“No!” Ethan said, crossing his arms. “Goldfishys is my favorite now.” Hayley sighed and grabbed a bag of Goldfish crackers as they walked by the display.

“And the junkfood obsession begins.” She muttered. “You get that from your father I’ll have you know.” She added. Ethan smiled broadly and placed one hand on each of Hayley’s cheeks. Hayley stopped pushing the cart and grinned. She wrinkled her nose and moved her face closer to his. As their noses touched, Ethan shrieked in happiness.

“Again, mommy!” He demanded.

“Not right now honey, we have to finish shopping.” Hayley insisted. Ethan’s face fell immediately and he pouted.

“Ethan…” Hayley warned, sensing an outburst. He twisted around in his seat, reaching for the goldfish.

“Sit up straight!” Hayley cried in worry. She flew forward and grabbed him around the waist just before he fell out of the cart and onto the floor. Tears instantly filled his eyes and he opened his mouth to let out a cry.

“Ethan, you’re ok.” Hayley insisted. “You’re safe. But you need to sit up straight or you’ll fall out. You can have the Goldfish when we get home.” He let out a sob.

“Ethan, no. You have to be quiet in the store.” Hayley said firmly. He turned around in his seat again, reaching for the Goldfish once more.

“If you don’t turn around, I’m going to have to buckle you in so you don’t fall out.” Hayley warned. “One… Two…”

“M-momma!” Ethan blubbered as he turned to sit correctly. “G-Goldfishy!”

“When we get home.” Hayley assured.

“No! Now!” He frowned.

“Ok, buckle time!” Hayley sighed as Ethan reached for the snack once again.

“NO!” Ethan shrieked as Hayley buckled him in. People began to look over at her as Ethan screeched some more.

“Ethan, if you don’t quiet down, we’re going to have to leave.” She said calmly. “Then you wont get any Goldfishys at all.” Ethan stopped crying and looked at her, head cocked to the side as he tried to determine if she was being serious.

Without warning, his face lit up. Hayley smiled, relieved that he hadn’t caused too much of a scene, and continued down the aisle they were in. “Stop, mommy!” Ethan said excitedly. “Grammie Farro!” Hayley shut her eyes and inwardly groaned.

“Is that my Ethan?” Hayley heard a woman’s voice ask. Hayley forced a smile and turned around.

“Oh, Hayley!” She grinned excitedly, enveloping her in a hug. “Look at him! He’s gotten so big since I last saw him! Hi Ethan! Hi big boy! Oh, look at you!” Ethan grinned and blushed. Janine began wiping away what was left of the tears on Ethan’s little face and planted a kiss in the middle of his forehead.

“Yes, you caught us at a bad time.” Hayley laughed as more tears were wiped away. “He wanted to fool around in the cart when he could have been hurt.” She added, looking directly at her son. Ethan giggled and looked at the ground, twisting his hands together shyly.

“Is that true?” Janine asked Ethan. “Remember what we learned last time we talked? Always listen to mommy! Right?” Ethan nodded quickly and smiled.

“Why are you so shy Ethan?” Hayley teased. “You’re normally a motor-mouth.”

“Oh, never mind, he’s fine.” Mrs. Farro smiled. “Joshua is back, by the way. I don’t know if you knew.” She said, turning to Hayley. Hayley bit her lip and nodded slowly. “He’s been back since, oh when did he come back… must have been August… Yes! He’s been back since August. You really should meet up with him someday soon. He’d love to meet little Ethan here.” Hayley smiled politely, but didn’t respond.

“Oh, Hayley, I know you’ve have had your differences, but I really wish you two would at least start talking again.” She sighed.

“Well…” Hayley started uncertainly. She couldn’t think of a reasonable excuse.

“Oh, You’re both as stubborn as mules!” Josh’s mom laughed. “It’ll happen someday. Suppose I shouldn’t push it…”

“I’m sorry.” Hayley said.

“Don’t be sorry. He was an ass to you, must get that from his father…” She mused with a laugh. “But he’s changed. I promise you he has changed.”

“Yes, well…” Hayley said, clearing her throat.

“Just…give him a call sometime.” She suggested. “Ethan needs a father, Joshua can be that for him.” Hayley nearly choked on air. Was this woman seriously suggesting this right now? Josh, whom she hadn’t seen since Paramore disbanded years ago? Josh whom even his own mother had admitted had been an ass to her?

“Um, Ethan and I have to be going. I’m sorry, but I’ve got work to do at home and it’s almost time for Ethan’s nap.” Hayley said quickly. This grocery trip had brought way too much socialization for her likes.

“Alright.” Mrs. Farro sighed, obviously not believing Hayley. “Well, it was very nice to see you. And you, little man!” She grinned, turning back to Ethan.

After goodbyes, Hayley once more continued on her way through the last few aisles of the store at a speed walking pace. Ten minutes later, as they were waiting in line to pay, Ethan’s face lit up again.

“Grammie York!” He cried.

“You have got to be kidding me!” Hayley muttered under her breath. She turned to see a rather offended looking woman behind her.

“Sorry ma'am.” Hayley apologized, trying not to laugh. “That’s not grammy York, silly!” She said, turning back to her son. Ethan giggled and buried his head into Hayley’s arm in embarrassment.

"Alright, lets get you home, buddy!" Hayley smiled.

The next chapter is when things start to get interesting ;)

Quick update! :) This feels short to me... sorry!

Big thanks to Laura for help with the quotes! :D

HAYLEY’S POV

I woke up early from what little sleep I’d had and cautiously headed to the front lounge, on the lookout for a certain guitarist I’d rather not run in to.

I sighed in relief as Josh was nowhere to be found and headed to put up today’s quote before breakfast.

To my surprise, there was already a new one there, in Josh’s writing. “Actions speak louder than words.” It read. I scowled and erased it quickly. Why had I kissed him back anyway? It just made things ten times worse. Way to go Hayley.

Well, I wasn’t about to give in to his attack. I would put up a normal quote, not at all directed toward him. Best just to forget this all happened anyway.

Oh, God, what was I going to do? We still had a week of touring left… At least it was only a week. I could last a week, right?

I heard someone start to wake up in the bunks and I prayed – no, begged – that it wasn’t Josh. When am I ever that lucky, though? I groaned as

Josh walked out into the front lounge. He glared at me, hurt burning in his eyes, before he entered the bathroom. This was going to be a long week…

“Good morning.” I said quietly as he reappeared a few moments later. He grunted in response, but said nothing.

“How are you?” I asked cautiously. Maybe last night had been a dream, a terrible nightmare….

“Pretty awful, no thanks to you.” He replied. Anger instantly boiled up within me.

“Very mature.” I said, rolling my eyes.

“You know what? I don’t understand you.” He said.

“What the hell does that mean?” I asked.

“What the fuck, Hayley! You kiss me and then say you don’t like me?” He burst out.

“First of all, quiet the hell down before someone hears you, and second of all you kissed me!” I cried.

“You kissed back!” He argued.

“Josh! It was four in the fucking morning! I was half asleep, I didn’t know what I was doing!” I replied.

“Sure…” He whispered. He looked like he was about to cry. I felt horrible, but there was no way this could work. We were in a band together for God’s sake! The music was more important than a relationship. …wasn’t it?

“You know what, Hayley?” He asked. I didn’t reply, he was obviously going to tell me whether I responded or not. “Screw you.” He whispered. He turned quickly and headed for his bunk. I swore I saw a tear roll down his cheek as he turned to leave, and it broke my heart. Why? Why did he have to tell me this? What made him think that was ok?

A tear rolled down my cheek and I wiped it away quickly. I would not cry over Josh. I refused to. “Get a hold of yourself, Williams.” I muttered. I turned and wrote the day’s quote before grabbing some breakfast and hoping we made it to the next venue soon so I could get off this stupid bus.

~*~

The next time Josh reappeared from the bunks, everyone was packed in to the front lounge. Thankfully, I didn’t have to be alone with him. Now, if I could just stick around someone for the next week, I’d be all set.

I heard Josh mutter something under his breath that sounded an awful lot like ‘fuck you’ as he read the dry-erase board. Jeremy looked at me curiously, and I shrugged, pretending I had no idea what had pissed the Mighty Josh Farro off this time.

“’Morning, Josh.” Taylor greeted hesitantly.

“Whatever.” Josh spat, grabbing the nearest box of cereal and walking to the back lounge. Taylor looked around at everyone, silently asking if he had done something wrong. Come on! Did Josh really have to take this out on everyone? God, he was so immature.

“Hayley, can I talk to you for a minute?” Jeremy asked as the door to the bus opened, allowing us to get off.

“Not now, Jeremy.” I sighed.

“Well, I’m about three times bigger than you, so you really have no choice in the matter. I was being polite by asking, come on.” He grabbed my elbow lightly and guided me off the bus.

We stood in silence for what seemed like forever before he finally spoke up. “Alright, I’ll start. What the hell did you do to Josh?” He asked.

“What did I do!?” I said in disbelief. “I didn’t do anything!

“Well what the hell happened?” He asked.

“Nothing.” I mumbled.

“Oh, come on. That quote was a little obvious.” Jeremy rolled his eyes. Ok, so maybe ‘You woke up in pieces from making these changes. And holding me ransom won’t write you an anthem’ was a tad obvious…

“Ok, Hayley, I don’t know what he’s done, but do you really have to drag it out?” Jeremy sighed. “Come on, we have one week left! I want this to be a good tour!”

“Well, it’s certainly memorable…” I muttered under my breath. Jeremy raised an eyebrow at me, still hoping for an explanation. I shook my head slowly, I wasn’t ready to talk about anything just yet.

“I’m here whenever you’re ready to talk.” Jeremy said, some edge in his voice.

“Thanks, Jeremy…” I whispered.

He sighed. “Come here.” He held out his arms, allowing me to hug him. 

~*~

The rest of the day had been pretty intense, although that intensity had made our show one of the best ever, in my opinion. Josh and I had both focused every last bit of our frustrations into the songs and the result was quite impressive.

“Hayley, what is going on?” Jeremy asked for the fiftieth time. The two of us were sitting in the front lounge while everyone else slept.

“Jerm…” I sighed.

“Hayley, normally I would stick with ‘it’s none of my business, she’ll tell me when she’s ready’, but I cant this time. It’s affecting the band, which makes it my business.” He explained.

“This,” he gestured to the quote-board, “is not my business. But what it’s doing to you two is.” It was only then that I realized Josh had written a new quote. ‘In the silence it became so very clear, that you had long ago disappeared. And I cursed myself for being surprised that this didn’t play like it did in my mind.’ Josh and his Death Cab…

I sighed and rested my head in my hands. “He’s being an idiot.” I replied.

“About what?” Jeremy asked quietly.

“He just… he’s confused.” I replied. “This break up with Bri has confused him.”

“Are you sure he’s confused?” Jeremy asked. “Maybe he’s not. Maybe he knows what he wants.” I turned to look at him, my head cocked to the side slightly. Did he know what happened? It sure as hell sounded like he knew…

I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. Maybe it was just a trick to get me talking.

“Oh, whatever, maybe he is confused, maybe he’s not. But you two need to figure things out. Or just put feelings on the back burner until this tour is over and figure things out at home.” Jeremy said. “Don’t let whatever he said tear this band apart. That’s almost happened before, I won’t let it happen again.”

“It’ll be ok, Jeremy.” I assured. I didn’t believe myself even a little bit, and I think he knew that, but I didn’t know what else to say.

“I’m going to bed.” Jeremy sighed in frustration. “I want this fixed by tomorrow.”

“Ain’t gonna happen.” I mumbled under my breath as he left. As luck would have it, Josh chose that moment to get a drink of water.

“Josh, I think we need to talk…” I said quietly as he slammed the overhead cabinet shut and banged his cup onto the counter.

“So talk.” He muttered.

“What do you want me to say?” I asked desperately.

“You’re the one who wanted to talk.” He replied.

“No, I mean… God, Josh!” I groaned. “Did you really expect me to say I loved you too? I mean I do! As a friend and as a band mate, but…” I trailed off. He looked up at me, big chocolate eyes shining, and bit his lip.

“I dunno…” He answered quietly. “I just… I thought you’d be a bit more responsive to the idea and not freak out and leave me there, feeling like an asshole.”

“Josh!” I cried quietly. Did he honestly not understand that we could never be a couple? Even if I did like him! Which I didn’t… I mean sure, he was funny, and cute when he was shy, and loveable, and easy to talk to, but that didn’t mean I liked him.

Oh, crap, he was talking now, what was he saying? Stupid sidetracked mind…

“Ok?” He asked.

“Huh?” I questioned. He shook his head, dejected, and turned away.

“Never mind. You obviously don’t care anyway.” He sighed before walking away. How do I always make things worse? I groaned in frustration and leaned back into the couch.

After a few minutes, I stood up, cleared my throat and walked over to that stupid board to write a new quote.

‘Who is ever adequate? We all create situations each other can’t live up to, then break our hearts at them because they don’t.’

Without warning, tears began to spill down my cheeks. I didn’t know exactly why I was crying, but I didn’t like the fact that it was because of Josh Farro. We could never be the same again. Not after this. I was in the process of losing my best friend.

Should have an update for "Your Own Disaster" by the end of the week. :)

Oh yeah, one more thing...
YAY TAYLOR!!!! WOOHOO! :D:D haha

So, this is basically the "Summer Skin" one shot I posted back in ....November? But it's been altered quite a bit in to fit in with this story. Same basic idea though. Enjoy!

“To burn with desire and keep quiet about it is the greatest punishment we can bring on ourselves.”

That was the stupid quote on that fan’s shirt. That was the quote that was now on the dry-erase board on our bus. That was the quote that shook me to my very core.

I couldn’t get it out of my head, I had been thinking about it all day. And thinking about the quote all day, led me to thinking about Hayley, and about the fact that even the fans had started no notice that I liked Hayley. How could she not know that I liked her if everyone else knew at this point?

“Good night Bostoooooon!” Hayley yelled into the mic. I was immediately pulled out of my thoughts as Taylor and I began playing the intro to Misery Business. It was usually hard for me to keep my eyes off Hayley during our shows, but tonight it was downright impossible. The way the lights hit her, she looked like a goddess. I was officially obsessed.

She bounded around the stage with such energy and confidence; she clearly felt right at home in front of the thousands of fans. It was where she belonged, what she was meant to do. I licked my lower lip as I watched her hips sway hypnotically along to the beat of the music and felt a tug in the pit of my stomach …a tug that made me grateful that there was a guitar in front of me. I blushed deeply, but even that happening, in front of thousands of fans, couldn’t make me take my eyes off her. She was my drug.

I nearly melted when Hayley sang her high notes flawlessly. She had the voice of an angel. An angel I could never have, thanks to that stupid band rule. And who was I kidding anyway? She probably didn’t like me with or without the band rule in place.

Suddenly, Hayley turned to look at me and I grinned. I took me a moment to realize why she was looking at me and at the last second, I remembered I was supposed to start playing my solo.

~*~

That night, I couldn’t sleep. I tossed and turned, but it was no use. That fan Alisha’s voice kept ringing in my ears, “when are you going to tell her?” When was I going to tell her? Should I ever tell her? Probably not.

Eventually, I pulled myself out of my bunk with a sigh and quietly walked to the front lounge, not bothering to find proper clothes. After a while of watching Family Guy, I heard some rustling from the bunks and I quickly turned the volume on the television down.

“Josh? Why are you awake?” Hayley asked, drunk with sleep. I jumped in fright, but smiled instantly at the sound of her voice.

“Can’t sleep.” I said casually. “Did I wake you?” She shook her head and sat next to me, resting her head on my shoulder. I smiled and put an arm around her, heart soaring, before turning my attention back to the show.

Something gleaming caught my eye as the light from the television bounced off the walls. I turned slightly to see what is was and groaned inwardly as the dry-erase board glowed back at me, showing me that stupid quote. I ignored it as best I could, but my mind, in Alisha’s voice for some reason, kept screaming ‘tell her!’

I weighed my options for what seemed like the millionth time. On one hand, this secret was eating away at me. After I had finally realized that I liked her, I had become quiet around her. I was more reserved, fearing that I’d give myself away, and she had definitely noticed.

My feelings for her had become so strong, so fast, that I was more than a little confused. Why was this all just happening now? I guess it could just be a passing thing. But her scent, the way she smiled, the way she laughed… it all made me happy. That had to count for something.

I thought about how it would be if she liked me back, I could finally be happy. I was by no means depressed, but if I could be with her, I was sure I’d truly be happy.

I also thought about what would happen if she shot me down, which was the more likely option. I would feel horrible. I would never be able to look at her again without feeling completely mortified, or getting unreasonably pissed off. And, most importantly, I would lose her friendship, her trust…I would lose her. I groaned as my mind looped through hundreds of scenarios over and over again like a broken record.

“You alright?” Hayley asked, snapping me out of my confusing daze.

“I think I need to tell you something.” I said quietly. Oh shit, I did not just say that! Why did I always blurt things out without thinking first?

“What?” Hayley sat up straight and looked at me. I bit my lip, and tried to think of something else, anything else, to say. I couldn’t admit how I felt about her. It was too dangerous.

“Josh, you can tell me.” Hayley smiled, grabbing my hand encouragingly.

“I love you.” I said quietly. What the fuck?! No! I wasn’t supposed to say that! Anything but that! I blushed furiously and groaned.

“Aw, I love you too buddy!” Hayley grinned.

“No, you don’t understand.” I replied. Well, I had already let it slip, might as well run into the fire head on. “I lo-”

“I understand.” Hayley cut me off. “I – I’m sorry.” She looked away. My heart shattered into a million pieces.

“Shit.” I muttered.

“Look,” Hayley said, grasping my hands again, “you and Bri just broke up a month ago and you’ve been on tour with me for…how many years now? You haven’t had any time to hang around any sane girls for a decent amount of time. You just think you love me because you broke it off with Bri and you know me so well.”

“No.” I shook my head firmly. “I really do. I have since I was 13. I may not have known it until now, but its true.”

“Josh…” Hayley said quietly, rubbing her forehead.

“Hayley, this has been driving me insane for the past few weeks. It’s been killing me to keep this to myself, so let me talk before you shoot me down.” I said. She stayed silent, allowing me to continue. I took a deep breath, and took my chance.

“When I first met you, I was completely taken aback. Remember how long it took for me to talk to you? This is why.” I said, gaining confidence with every word I spoke. “Every day you do something new to amaze me. You always put a smile on my face. That quote you put up today, ‘to burn with desire and do nothing about it is the greatest punishment we can bring on ourselves’, I don’t think you realize just how true that is.” I admitted, looking into her eyes. She still said nothing.

“This secret has been eating away at me for so long now. It sucks!” I said, getting angry as she still showed no emotion. “Every single insignificant thing you do makes me happy. And it kills me that I can’t be with you, that I can’t be the one to protect you and make you smile. Just because of some stupid band rule.” Hayley sat in shock and looked at me in… disappointment?

“Josh…” She finally spoke. “I-I’m so sorry.” Her eyes were shiny with unshed tears

I sighed heavily. “Don’t apologize.” I said, more harshly than I intended to.

“Well what the hell am I supposed to say?” Hayley whispered angrily. “That I love you too so let’s get together? It’s not that easy, Josh!”

What little hope I had left burned bright. If ‘it wasn’t that easy’ that meant it was complicated, that meant that maybe she liked me back but she was scared to act on the feeling.

She looked me in the eyes and moved her head closer. I leaned forward quickly and kissed her without hesitation. She closed her eyes and relaxed into the kiss. My tongue slipped between her lips as I placed my hand on the back of her neck. I beamed as she placed her hands on my arms, massaging them gently. I was as high as a kite.

Until Hayley shoved my away roughly…

“No!” She said quickly, backing away and shaking her head. “I’m so sorry.” She turned and ran for her bunk.

Just like that, I came crashing back down to earth, hard.

I sat, stunned, for what seemed like hours. Hayley’s quote was wrong, to put your heart out there to get stomped all over was the greatest punishment anyone could bring on themselves…

“Fuck this.” I spat. “Fucking dry-erase board. Fucking quotes. Fuck!” I finished in a yell. At least I had got a decent kiss out of it before she ran off... I raised my hand to my lip gently. It was still wet. Wait, why had she kissed back?

I jumped to my feet and hurried to the board, erasing the quote I now thoroughly loathed in one fail swoop. Let the war of quotes begin.

Happy last day of school, Claire. :)

This is kind of a background chapter. I think the next one might be background, too. But more Ethan in the next chapter :D

This takes place right after the preview. If you haven't read that yet, it's here: http://breatheforlove.buzznet.com/user/journal/4181271/

“Hayley!” Sarah gasped as the redhead-turned-brunette walked down the stairs.

“I’m fine.” Hayley insisted, forcing a smile while wiping her eyes.

“What happened?” Sarah asked quietly.

“Ethan talked to someone at daycare and now he’s curious about where his daddy is.” Hayley replied tiredly as she sat on the couch. Sarah frowned in sympathy and rubbed Hayley’s back soothingly. “How much longer do you think I have?”

“A year. Two, tops.” Sarah replied. “Sooner rather than later though, Hayley. He has to know why. And he deserves the chance to meet his father. I’m sur-”

“Sarah!” Hayley cut her off quickly. “I’m his mother, I get to decide if and when Ethan gets to meet his jackass of a father.” She finished, a dangerous edge in her voice.

“Alright! Alright!” Sarah raised her hands in defense. She didn’t really want to get in this argument again. She was sick of it. Hayley got too hot headed, too quickly.

“Hayley, listen to me though. Maybe you should talk to him, I know he’d want to be involved in Ethan’s life.” She reasoned.

“He had his chance.” Hayley said, face going red in anger now. “He had his fucking chance. He chose to give up his son. He doesn’t get to show up all ‘knight in shining armor’ now.”

Sarah took a deep, calming breath. “You should at least start taking his checks.” She advised.

“I’ve been doing this on my own for two years, Sarah. I don’t need his help.” Hayley replied quietly.

“Hayley, you wouldn’t have to work so much.” Sarah pointed out for what seemed like the thousandth time. They’d had this argument far too often. She didn’t understand why Hayley was so set on doing this alone. Ethan’s father wasn’t that bad of a guy. “You could spend more time-”

“Don’t!” Hayley warned dangerously. “Don’t you dare! I have plenty of time to spend with Ethan. I am not a bad mother.”

“Hayley, I am not calling you a bad mother!” Sarah insisted. “You are the best mother I know. But you deserve more.”

“Just… drop it, ok?” Hayley sighed. “I am perfectly capable of doing this on my own. If it comes to it, I know I have the option for the checks since it doesn’t seem like he’s going to stop sending them anytime soon.” Sarah sighed in frustration but didn’t push it. She knew she was lucky to even have gotten Hayley to open up this little bit.

“Mommy?” A voice came from the hallway, just in time to effectively stop any last arguments.

“Sammy, I’m in here with auntie Hayley.” Sarah called. “But be quiet! Ethan is sleeping.” 

“Oh! Shhh!!” Samuel said immediately, turning to Jeremy as they entered the small living room.

Jeremy raised one finger to his lips. “Shh!” He imitated back. Samuel giggled loudly and ran to Sarah.

“Hey, Sam!” Sarah smiled. She hugged her son and began straightening out his clothes as her motherly instincts took over. “How was ice cream with daddy?”

Sam grinned and rubbed his stomach in happiness. “Yummy!” He replied.

“Hey babe.” Jeremy said. He leaned over and kissed Sarah’s cheek gently while placing one hand on her ever-growing baby bump.

“Hayles, Josh is having a housewarming party this weekend if you want to come.” Jeremy announced. Sarah raised her eyebrows at Jeremy curiously. It was a well-known fact that Hayley and Josh didn’t exactly get along. They had barely even talked since Paramore disbanded. Hayley had actually lost quite a few friends when Ethan was born… but she didn’t mind, her son was more than worth giving up a few friendships for.

“I can’t” Hayley replied with a sad smile. “Ethan has a birthday party to go to.”

“Well, I tried!” Jeremy sighed, looking to Sarah with a shrug.

“Auntie Hayley! You’re still coming with me to school though, right?” Sammy asked with a pout. Next Thursday was Parent-Teacher night at Samuel’s grade school. Parents got to meet their kid’s teachers, while kids got to show off any projects they had done in the first few weeks of school.

“Of course I’m coming!” Hayley assured with a smile. “I wouldn’t miss it.”

“You have to meet Mr. N!” Samuel said, wide-eyed and excited. “He’s so cool! He likes music, just like you. And like Daddy!” He grinned.

“I’m sure I’ll meet all your teachers.” Hayley laughed.

“I have two!” Samuel grinned. “Mrs. J and Mr. N. Mr. N does art and music with me. He’s so cool!  And Mrs. J does um…” Sam thought for a bit, “Well, everything else! She’s really smart!”

“That’s why she’s a teacher.” Hayley informed. “Just like your mommy.” Sam grinned and took a seat next to his mom.

“Hear that mom? Hear that? You’re smart!” He smiled.

“And don’t you forget it!” Sarah laughed.

“I see Sam is only using initials to refer to his teachers?” She asked with a laugh as Samuel ran off to play with Ethan’s toys.

“Blame it on Zac.” Sarah said, rolling her eyes. “He called Jeremy ‘J-Man’ once. Sammy overheard and apparently that’s the coolest thing on the planet.” She continued. “Took us a week to convince him it wasn’t ok to call his teachers J-Man or N-Man.” Hayley burst out laughing as she tried to imagine “Mrs. J’s” reaction to being called “J-Man.”

“Eeyeah…” Sarah said, raising an eyebrow as Hayley laughed.

“Daddy! Come play cars!” Sammy demanded from the dining room, where Ethan’s toys were.

Jeremy grinned. “Duty calls!” He said before hurrying off. Sarah smiled as she watched her husband go.

~*~

Half an hour later, Jeremy walked back into the living room with Sam fast asleep in his arms. “You ready to head out, babe?” He asked quietly. Sarah nodded and began gathering her things.

“I’ll pick you up next Thursday around 5.” Sarah confirmed as she and Jeremy said their goodbyes to Hayley.

“Sounds good, I’ll have Ethan ready.” Hayley replied. She gave Sarah a quick hug and waived at Jeremy and Samuel from her front door.

After they were gone, Hayley began her normal nightly routine. She locked and dead bolted the door, checked to be sure all the windows were locked and the shades were pulled, and armed the security system. Then, she checked everything a second time. Being a single mother sucked, among other things, there was no one there to protect you if someone broke in.

Not that anyone would break in. At least, that’s what she kept telling herself. Hayley had done lots of research, and while her home wasn’t in the best neighborhood to raise a child in, it was the best she could afford. Kids were pretty darn expensive… Maybe she should start depositing those monthly checks she received. Judging by the increasing amount of money the checks were for, Ethan’s father was pretty well off now. 

As Hayley settled into bed, she sighed sadly. She was alone.

Deep down, she was jealous of Sarah, she tried not to be, but she couldn’t help it. Sarah had 24-hour backup when Samuel misbehaved, she had two forms of income to provide for her family and she had someone to snuggle up to on long, cold, lonely nights. Hayley had none of that.

She knew she was raising Ethan well, but she was constantly worried about what would happen as he got older. She knew could call on Jeremy, or any of the guys, to help her out with ‘boy stuff’ or for sports things or for whatever, but they all had their own wives and, in Jeremy’s case, children to take care of.

Ethan needed a real father figure. Hayley needed a husband. She was tired of being alone, tired of worrying about her son and his upbringing, and tired of crying herself to sleep at night. She needed the comfort only a certain man could give her. Unfortunately, she happened to loathe that particular man just as much as she still loved him.

Feedback/buzz is awesome. And thank you Laura for the help with this chapter :)

Ahhh it took a lot for me to get this written... hahaha. Sorry, I meant to have this up yesterday.

HAYLEY’S POV

Things were once again good in Josh-land. Thank God! He still kept to himself quite a bit, but really, that wasn’t anything new. I couldn’t help thinking that maybe he was still hiding something from me since his mood turn around had been so quick, but I’d figure that out later. I knew better than to push it at this point.

Right now, it was movie time. I loved movie time. It was a chance for everyone in the band to do something other than band stuff. It was ‘friend time’ if you will. We forgot about being in a band, minus the bumpy tour bus, and relaxed.

I grabbed a bowl of popcorn and squeezed myself in between Josh and Taylor just as the opening credits of some horror flick began. Too bad I wasn’t one of those girls who were afraid of scary movies. If I was, I could hide in Josh’s shoulder during the scary parts.

No! Damn, I had been doing so well to not think about Josh as anything other than a friend. Well, I guess hiding in his shoulder doesn’t necessarily mean I like him as more than a friend... And a little harmless flirting never hurt anyone, right?

About an hour into the surprisingly boring movie, Taylor rested his head on my shoulder with a large fake yawn. We all looked at each other thinking the same thing, turn the damn movie off. But we were all too lazy to act on the thought. I sighed and rested my head on Josh’s shoulder and he laughed quietly. He put his arm around me and patted my back awkwardly.

“Hey! Tay’s here too.” Josh said quietly as his hand found Taylor’s head on my shoulder. 

“We’re attached.” Taylor joked. “Couldn’t be separated at birth.”

“I see.” Josh said slowly, obviously trying to think of a better response.

“Ok, this is crap. Who wants to play a game.” Zac said.

“Me!” Everyone in the front lounge replied simultaneously.

“Sweet. Someone wanna go get the games?” He asked hopefully.

“You suggested it.” Jeremy pointed out. After a few minutes of silence with no other volunteers, Zac groaned.

“Fine! I’ll do it.” He grumbled, standing up to head to the back lounge.

JOSH’S POV

Tonight had turned out to be one of the better ‘band nights’. I couldn’t remember the last time I had laughed so hard. Zac had gone to grab games for us to play, but we had all ended up talking and having a great time instead. There was even some a cappella karaoke at one point.

Currently, it was nearly three in the morning and Hayley was passed out from exhaustion on my lap. Jeremy and I were the only two left awake in the front lounge and we were about to fall asleep ourselves.

I absentmindedly stoked Hayley’s hair as I let my head loll back against the wall and smiled. Her hair was so soft. I can’t imagine having her head in my lap was incredibly comfortable for her though.

“These quotes are fun.” Jeremy said suddenly, pointing to the dry-erase board on the wall. Hayley had continued putting up a new quote every day. Luckily, they were no longer aimed at me, and they were pretty good.

“Mmhmm.” I agreed tiredly.

“Don’t tell Hayley I said that though.” He mumbled. “As far as she’s concerned, I think they’re stupid.” I laughed softly at this. Jeremy had been teasing Hayley about the quotes since day one. Obviously, he didn’t mind them, but just to annoy her, he always pretended they were silly.

“Too late.” Hayley groaned from my lap. “I’m not quite asleep yet.” I blushed as I realized she must have felt my hand on her head and pulled my hand away quickly. I felt her giggle quietly and she placed a hand on my thigh to push herself up. I felt an odd jump in the pit of my stomach and I quickly cleared my throat, silently begging her to move her freaking hand. Of course she didn’t notice the subtle hint, but she moved her hand just in time and covered her mouth as she yawned widely.

“Damn, you discovered me!” Jeremy sighed, jokingly. “Well, I’ll just go back to calling you shorty.”

“Ok, old timer.” Hayley grinned. Jeremy pouted and stood up.

“I need sleep.” He said with a loud yawn. “G’night.”

“’Night, old timer.” Hayley and I said simultaneously. Jeremy rolled his eyes at us, but let it slip.

“I should get some sleep too.” I mumbled. My body was screaming for sleep, but the chance to be near Hayley was too enticing to give up. She sighed and rested her head on my shoulder. I smiled as I inhaled the scent of Hayley, she always smelled good, even when she hadn’t showered in a few days. How was that possible? I’m pretty sure I smelled gross and sweaty.

“Mmm, you smell good.” Hayley said, reading my thoughts. I laughed and rolled my eyes.

“Whatever you say.” I mumbled.

“No, really!” She replied, I felt her smile into my shoulder. “You do. You smell like… Josh.”

I smiled to myself and blushed. “Well, you don’t smell too bad yourself.” I said.

“Ugh, I haven’t showered in… I don’t even know how long.” She groaned.

“You can’t tell.” I assured. Hayley grunted in response and stood up.

“Alright. Bedtime.” She sighed. “I really need to start going to bed earlier…”

“Me too. ‘Night.” I said with a yawn as she headed for the bunks. I watched her hips sway from side to side as she walked away and felt yet another tug at my insides. Why did she have to be so freaking gorgeous? It was killing me.

And why was I just now realizing how much I liked her? The realization had come so quickly… it felt like seven years worth of longing all bundled up and shoved onto me at once.

If I had known this would happen, I wouldn’t have ignored my feelings for a certain redhead all those years ago. I would have said something when I first felt them and gotten shot down then and there. It wouldn’t have been as bad then. Now… well, I don’t know what I would do if - no, WHEN - she shot me down. I know she would. The band was more important to her.

“Josh? You coming to bed with me or not?” Hayley called from the darkness of the bunks, interrupting my thoughts. I laughed quietly as I automatically took what she had said the wrong way, and stood up. But, ah, how I wished I would be sleeping in the same bed with her…

“Uh, yeah. Just brushing my teeth.” I replied.

~*~

“Hi!” A girl squealed as I moved in front of her and signed a magazine she had held out.

“Hey.” I smiled politely. “How are you?”

“Great!” She said, a bit too enthusiastically. “I’m Alisha.” I would never cease to be amazed that there were actually people in the world who were excited to meet me. Me! Josh Farro! I can’t believe how far we’ve come as a band. Meet and greets would never get old for me.

“How are you?” The girl asked, pulling me back to reality.

“Oh, uh, great!” I replied with a smile. “Nice to meet you …Alisha?” She grinned and nodded. I smiled at her and continued down the line of fans waiting for autographs and pictures.

Throughout the rest of the meet and greet, I was completely distracted. I was playing ping-pong with Zac and some fans, and I had been hit in the face several times already by the stupid ball because I wasn’t paying attention. I fully blame the short redheaded one for this…

Every time Hayley laughed, I couldn’t help but look over with a smile to see who had made her laugh. And, to make matters worse, the sun was making her eyes sparkle bright green. Depending on the direction she was facing, the sun was bright enough to make her squint which, consequently, made her nose scrunch up in an adorable manner.

As I saw her look over to me, I immediately turned my focus back on the game and acted like I was really into it. Uh oh, the ball was headed way off to my right… I lunged sideways and hit it with my paddle, nearly falling to the ground in the process.

“Nice save!” The fan on my side grinned.

“Dude, you realize that would have been out right?” Zac laughed from the other side of the table. “Would’ve been your point anyway.” I blushed slightly and shrugged.

“Well, that’s game!” Jeremy interrupted. “Who’s next?”

“Hey dudes!” Hayley called as she walked over to us. “Good game!” She grinned. Without warning, she reached out and smacked me lightly on the butt in ‘congratulations’. A few fans laughed as my eyes just about bugged out of my head and Hayley giggled. She turned to my teammate and smiled.

“I would do the same to you, but that might be a little weird.” She joked. The fan blushed a bit and laughed before asking for a photo.

“Uh, right…. well… I think I’ll sit this one out.” I said, trying to shake off Hayley’s odd congratulatory behavior. “You wanna jump in Taylor?”

“Of course! Who wants to be my teammate?” He asked. Four girls instantly ran over and Taylor looked shocked. “Oh… wow. Ok, well… I guess we’re playing a few games!”

I laughed and walked away toward a few fans that had been staring me down with a camera in their hands.

“Hey!” I greeted as I reached them. “What’s up?”

“Go Tay!” I heard Hayley yell. I looked over my shoulder and smiled as I watched her bounce around, acting as Taylor’s own personal cheerleader. He wasn’t the best ping-pong player in the world…

“Hi.” One of the girls said shyly. “Uhm, could I have a picture?” She asked.

“Of course.” I smiled. She handed the camera to her friend and stood next to me. After the photo was taken, I stood next to the second girl to get a photo with her as well.

“Wait a minute, you’re …Alisha, right?” I asked just before the picture was taken. She grinned widely and nodded. After the pictures were done, the girls started firing away with questions.

“Oh, awesome shirt!” Hayley said from somewhere to my left. I turned to see her talking to a guy, but quickly turned back, not wanting to give myself away.

“That is totally going on the quote board tomorrow!” Hayley continued. I turned back once more to see what was written on his shirt, but his back was to me. Oh well, I’d find out tomorrow via dry-erase board.

“I’ll be right back Alisha, I’m gonna see if I can get a picture with Hayley!” One of the girls I was talking to said. “It was nice to meet you, Josh.” She blushed before hurrying away.

“Wow, looks like Taylor and his teammate are getting beat pretty hard!” I laughed as an awkward silence fell over me and this Alisha. She smiled and nodded.

My head turned to the side as I heard Hayley’s laugh once more and I saw her holding a camera, laughing at whatever was on the screen.

“Can I ask you something?” Alisha asked.

“Hmm?” I said, turning back to her. “Oh! Yeah, ask away! Sorry.”

“When are you going to tell her?” Alisha asked without hesitation.

“…What?” I said slowly. “Tell who what?”

She rolled her eyes. “Hayley! That’s like, the fiftieth time you’ve looked at her and smiled in the last ten minutes.”

“I-I… uh…” I stuttered.

Alisha laughed. “Everyone knows you two like each other! And we don’t even know you personally! Why not go for it?”

“Alright guys, sorry, but its time to head out.”

Saved by Will. Thank God!

“You should tell her.” Alisha whispered as she walked past me to leave.

Dammit! Was I really that transparent?! I squeezed my hands into fists, angry with myself for looking at Hayley so much. This was getting out of hand. How had it even gotten to this point? A month ago I never would have realized that I was in love with Hayley Williams.

Oh! Great! Just perfect… I don’t just “like” her anymore. Now I love her…

Hope you liked it. I think this story is going to end kinda soonish.... so I can focus on the new one. More of Hayley's POV in the next few chapters I think.

First chapter of "Your Own Disaster" up tomorrow or Friday.

P.S.!!!!!!! If you haven't already done this, go show Taylor we heart him! bit.ly/weLYtay

Ok, I'm going to attempt to do two stories at once. I don't know how this is gonna go... haha. I think I'm going to try to push through 23 first, so there will be more updates for that until it's done, and then I can really focus on this one. I just couldn't wait to post this one anymore! haha

“Come on little man, its way past your bed time.” Hayley smiled as she held out her hand for her two year old son. Ethan shook his head vigorously, determined to stay awake with his aunt and mother, but failed to stifle a rather large yawn.

“Up we go.” Hayley said. She pulled the toddler up into her arms and headed for the stairs. “Say goodnight to auntie Sarah.” Hayley urged.

“Night night auntie Sawah” Ethan mumbled as he tried to keep his eyes open. He let his head fall onto Hayley’s shoulder and wrapped his tiny arms around her neck.

“I’ll just be a minute.” Hayley whispered to Sarah before heading up to Ethan’s room.

“Mommy no.” Ethan groaned as Hayley tucked him into bed.

“Ethan, honey, its bed time.” She said calmly. She was in no mood for a hissy-fit tonight.

“Chair.” He demanded with a sleepy pout. Hayley smiled widely. That pout melted her heart. Ethan looked so much like his father when he pouted.

“That’s right, we always rock before bed time don’t we?” She said. She walked back over to her son and sat in the rocking chair beside his bed. Ethan smiled, dragged himself out of bed, and climbed onto Hayley’s lap.

She held him close and began rocking back and forth slowly, humming quietly into his ear. She loved this part of her day, holding her son, singing him to sleep. She wouldn’t trade it for the world.

“Mama?” Ethan asked.

“Yes, Ethan?” Hayley smiled.

“Where’s my daddy?” He asked. Hayley stopped rocking and her eyes went wide.

“What?” She whispered, shocked.

“Um, Kerry, at Miss Nancy’s has a um daddy.” Ethan said in his slow toddler way. “Hers is at home. Where’s mine?” He asked.

“Well…” Hayley hesitated. How do you tell a toddler where his father was when you haven’t seen him in years? “Your daddy… your daddy left.” She said. “He… just left.” She added lamely. Well, it was the truth…

“When’s he coming back?” Ethan asked.

“Umm…” Hayley hesitated once more. “Not anytime soon.” She concluded.

“Oh.” Ethan yawned. He buried his face into Hayley and shut his eyes. She shut her own eyes, thankful that Ethan accepted her answer, but worried how much longer it would be until he began to demand a more in depth answer.

“I miss my daddy.” Ethan said with a yawn.

“Me too, baby. Me too.” Hayley whispered. Tears welled up in her eyes and her lip trembled slightly as she slowly began rocking and humming once more. She kissed Ethan on the top of the head gently and hugged him tight as a tears spilled down her cheeks.

Let me know what you think! :)

Kinda filler, but it needs to happen, haha. It will be a lot more interesting soon. ;)
Sorry it's shorter!

HAYLEY’S POV

“Behind him, across vast distances of space and time, from the place he had left, he thought he heard music too. But perhaps, it was only an echo…”

I read the quote with a smile. My roommate from back home, Hannah, had written it on the small dry-erase board on the bus before we had left for tour. It was a reminder of home, as Hannah said.

As much as it was a reminder of my best friend, I was getting sick of looking at it all the time. I bit my lip and thought about what I could replace the quote with.

“Sorry, Hannah.” I muttered as I grabbed a piece of paper towel and wiped away her message. I grabbed the marker attached to the board and began doodling away in boredom, Jeremy and I were the only ones left awake and Jeremy had abandoned me to talk with a few of his friends online.

“Maybe I should do another quote…” I mumbled to myself after erasing a very strange looking drawing of Zac. After all, words were my strong point. I grabbed my laptop and hit up Google to see what quotes were out there, I was far too lazy to think of my own at this point in the night.

Half an hour later, I had it. Josh was going through a lot with his break up and he was acting… strange. He was always mopey, which was to be expected after a break up, but he wouldn’t say much to anyone about it, nothing at all to me, and I think he somehow still thought Bri was the one for him.

I didn’t even know what had happened that caused the break up. All I knew was that she had hit him, she was horrified with herself, and she left. Something about a birthday was in there too, I think. But Josh refused to talk to me about it.

He talked to the guys! Or to Zac at the very least, I’m sure of it. I was his friend too. I had consoled him after plenty of break ups in the past. What made this situation different?

I grabbed the dry-erase marker and scribbled on the board. “A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.” I smiled as I finished writing and hoped that Josh understood. We were his real friends, Jeremy, Taylor, Zac and I. We knew him, we understood him. She didn’t.

I groaned as I re-read the quote, feeling stupid, and grabbed the paper towel once more to erase the message.

“Hayles?” I heard from behind me. Great, just perfect! Josh was awake. Why was Josh awake? He is the master of sleep. Me and my luck…

“Hey…” I said quietly. He looked at me with tired eyes and cocked his head to the side as he read the board in front of me.

“Hmm.” He grunted after reading. I quickly erased the board and turned to face him.

“So… uh, what are you doing up?” I asked. He shrugged and sat down on one of the couches. Ok, still not up for talking… I walked over to the small kitchenette on the bus and grabbed two bowls and some Cap’n Crunch cereal.

“You know a way to a guys heart!” Josh joked as he realized what I was doing. I blushed slightly but set a bowl in front of him.

“So, how are you doing?” I asked as we began eating.

“I knew you were going to do that.” He muttered. “Note to self: don’t take food from Hayley. She always has ulterior motives.” He laughed. I rolled my eyes and sighed.

“Come on, Josh!” I said. “I’m just trying to be a friend here.”

“I don’t need a friend. I’m fine!” He insisted. Oh, really? He sure didn’t look fine to me.

“Hayley, seriously. I’ll be ok.” He smiled, reassuringly. “I’m dealing with it on my own.”

“Josh, I want to help!” I explained.

“I don’t need help!” He said. “Especially not from you.” He added under his breath.

“Excuse me?” I said in disbelief. Josh’s face went red.

“What? Nothing! I didn’t say anything!” He stuttered.

“Ok, fine! I get it, I’m a girl, I don’t know anything!” I spat.

“No, Hayley, that’s not at all what I meant.” Josh sighed. “You just… can’t help me.”

“Why not? You always talk to me about stuff you’re going through. Let me be there for you now.” I insisted.

“Hayley, you really need to drop it. You can’t help me.” Josh said angrily. “I am fine I don’t need to talk to you about anything.”

“Josh, the way you’ve been acting…”

“Drop. It.” He said firmly. He finished his cereal and chucked his paper bowl into the trashcan forcefully before stomping back to the bunks.

“Asshole!” I called out with hesitation, unsure of if I wanted him to hear me or not. It was killing me that he wouldn’t just talk. We always talked! What had happened to change that?

“Hey, you alright?” Jeremy asked as he walked into the front lounge. I scowled and walked past him.

“I’m going to bed.” I announced.

JOSH’S POV

Damn, these bunks are way too comfortable sometimes. If only they were just a bit bigger… I yawned loudly and stretched as best I could in the small bed, debating whether or not I should get up. Eventually, Mother Nature won and I rolled out of bed to stumble to the bathroom.

On the way, my eyes landed on that stupid dry-erase board that Hannah had given us with that quote from The Giver on it. There was a new message on it this morning; “Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.”

Great a personal attack from Hayley. Well, two could play that game! But first, I needed to get to the bathroom before my bladder exploded.

~*~

“Hey bro. What’s up?” Zac asked as he sat down next to me.

“Not a whole lot.” I replied. “Just messing around.” I nodded to my acoustic guitar. I was sitting outside on the grass before a show.

“Have you figured anything out yet?” He asked.

“Zac!” I complained. “Just… ah, no, I’m not doing anything right now, okay? Stop bugging me about it.”

“Ok! Ok! Sorry! Jeez…” He mumbled. “For what it’s worth though, Emily thinks-”

“Emily! You talked to Emily?!” I said in disbelief. “Thanks a lot bro.”

“Calm down!” Zac laughed. “She’s not going to talk to anyone and I figured she could help.” I rolled my eyes. “Anyway, she thinks that you should talk to whoever this other girl is and see how it goes. She says maybe it will help you figure out if you really like this girl or if it’s the break up talking.” He concluded.

“Yeah, whatever.” I replied. “Just… leave me alone for a bit, ok?” Zac nodded solemnly and stood up.

“You know Hayley’s pissed at you right?” He asked before he left.

“Yeah, I got that, thanks.” I said sarcastically.

“What did you do?”

“She wants to talk. I’m tired of talking.” I replied vaguely. Zac shrugged, knowing enough not to press further, and walked away. I groaned and fell backward into the grass as a million thoughts and hypothetical situations ravaged my brain once more. This was becoming quite common ever since the break up. Well, ever since that once sentence…

'You follow her around like a lost puppy.' I remembered Bri’s words. Hayley. Bri thought I liked Hayley. She had always thought I liked Hayley. I always denied it in the past, but something about that fight made me think that Bri was right.

Maybe I did like Hayley. She was sweet and spunky, she always made me smile, and there was no denying that she was gorgeous. Even my subconscious liked her, according to the dreams I’d had about her over the past few years. But the thing that really screwed me up was Hayley got me. She knew how I felt without me having to say a word. She was my best friend.

Maybe that’s just it though, maybe she was only my best friend. Maybe my brain was freaking out because I didn’t have a girlfriend anymore and Hayley was the closest thing. Besides, Hayley would never date me. It didn’t matter if she liked me or not, she wouldn’t ever put the band in jeopardy like that. We had all made a pact in the beginning, no dating within the band, no matter how badly we wanted it.

But… weren’t rules meant to be broken? I mean, where’s the fun in life if you just play by the rules?

This was too confusing. I was in my twenties for God’s sake! Well, early twenties, but twenties nonetheless. I shouldn’t be acting like a confused, hormonal teenage boy anymore. I should know what to do and how I feel about people.

“Josh?” I jumped as I heard my name and opened my eyes.

“What, Zac?” I asked angrily. He hesitated for a few seconds, looking very unsure of himself. I opened my mouth to tell him to spit it out so I could go back to my frustrated thinking, but he took a deep breath and began to talk.

“I just wanted to say, it’s obvious that you’re in love with Hayley. You have been since you met her. I say, screw the stupid pact and go for it.” He finished quickly. He smiled weakly and backed away a few feet.

I clenched my teeth and took a deep breath. “Zac…”

“Gotta go!” He said quickly, a huge grin on his face. “Emily and I are here if you wanna talk about it!” He called over his shoulder as he ran. I groaned and shut my eyes once more, trying to think up a plan that would just make all of this just go away.

I guess the best thing to do would be to ignore Hayley’s jab via quote, put on a happy face and pretend everything was ok. If it came down to it, I would even talk to Hayley about the break up I could care less about. The break up wasn’t the issue here, but Hayley didn’t necessarily need to know that.

Yes, that was what I would do. That was what was in everyone’s best interest.

Preview for a new fic up tomorrow/Monday :)

Sorry it's taken so long for an update! I've been busy, haha. No more school though, so updates should be faster. :)
I feel like this chapter could have been a bit better written, but I guess I always think that, and it's definitely acceptable, so whatever. Haha.

Enjoy!

JOSH’S POV

Bri was finally here, and I’ve never felt… more indifferent. I thought that seeing her would be so exciting, and it was for the first few hours, but now it was just… normal.

Bri however, was obviously getting the ‘excitement’ vibe full on. She was always smiling and laughing. At least one of us was enjoying this opportunity to the fullest. I felt like I hadn’t even been away from her at all, but I quickly chalked my indifference up to exhaustion and left it at that.

Currently, I was enjoying Bri’s company at a sushi restaurant on an off day in California. I must admit, she looked pretty cute as she tried to figure out how to use chopsticks properly.

“I’m tellin’ you, sushi falls under the category of ‘finger food’ hun.” I smiled as the sushi roll she was trying to pick up fell back to the plate. Bri glared at me and tried once more to pick up the roll.

Her eyes widened and she grinned as the chopsticks successfully raised the delicious sushi to her mouth. She opened her mouth carefully, as not to scare the sushi into jumping off her violently trembling chopsticks, and quickly shut her mouth around the chopsticks. I bit back a laugh as confusion took over her features. I nodded down to the table and she groaned in frustration as she saw sushi on the tablecloth that had been on her chopsticks only seconds before.

“Screw it.” She mumbled, grabbing the roll with her fingers. She tossed it into her mouth and grinned, satisfied. “Mmm, so good!” She said with a sigh. I smiled, rubbed her arm gently with my hand and planted a wet kiss on the side of her head.

HAYLEY’S POV

As Bri and Josh stepped onto the bus from their date, Zac paused the movie we were watching.

“Hey, wanna watch with us?” He asked, pointing to the television screen. Josh turned to Bri and she shrugged.

“Sure.” Josh replied. He took a seat next to me and pulled Bri onto his lap.

“Oh, hold on, popcorn!” He said as soon as Bri had settled in. She sighed and stood up, allowing him to stand up to find the popcorn.

“How was dinner?” I asked her as Josh dug through the cabinets.

“Excellent.” Bri smiled. “The sushi here is ten times better than it is back home.”

“I know!” I grinned. “I would be in heaven if we had half of these restaurants in Franklin.”

“Where the hell is the popcorn?” Josh mumbled in frustration.

“In that cabinet above your head.” I replied before turning back to Bri. As I opened my mouth to make more small talk with her, Josh interrupted.

“We must be out, I can’t find it.” He said. I rolled my eyes and made my way to the small kitchenette. I placed a hand on his shoulder for support and stood on my toes to reach the cabinet above the sink.

“There!” I said triumphantly as my fingertips knocked a box of popcorn out of the too-tall cabinet and onto the floor.

“Hey! You got taller!” Josh grinned. “Last tour, you couldn’t reach that cabinet at all.” He put his arm around my shoulders and ruffled my hair, fully knowing how much it pissed me off when he did that.

When Josh didn’t remove his arm from my shoulder, I looked over at Bri. Her eyebrow was raised and she looked slightly shocked. I quickly scuttled away from Josh, not wanting to cause any drama, and hurried back to my seat.

Halfway through the movie, Zac turned around to joke about something with to Josh only to find he was missing. I cringed slightly as I realized Bri was missing as well. When had they snuck away?

Shortly after our realization, we could hear light giggles coming from the general direction of the bunks. Will grabbed the remote, turned up the volume, and everyone put the thoughts out of their minds. Everyone except me, that is.

How could he like her? Yes, she was cute and nice, but she also had a good dose of crazy-insane-bitch thrown in. She was seemingly getting better, but who knows how long that will last without a professional psychiatrist or doctor involved. She didn’t deserve Josh. He deserved someone better. Someone who really understood him and who would treat him right.

I cringed as I heard a faint moan and I bit my lip hard as anger and a tinge of jealousy swept over me. I sighed and rested my head in my hands as realization hit me hard. Oh God, no, I can’t like Josh. This can’t be happening. Josh was with Bri. More importantly, we were in a band together. I couldn’t like him, we couldn’t ever be together, it would ruin us. Paramore would be over.

He and I got along so well on most levels, but we clashed so very badly on others. There was no doubt in my mind that we would fight. Heck, we already did fight like a married couple the way we were now! I could only imagine what the fights would be like if we were dating. And even if the fights never lead to a breakup, they would certainly take a toll on the band.

It wasn’t worth it. I had to stop liking Josh. This couldn’t go anywhere.

JOSH’S POV

After everyone had gone their separate ways on the bus, Bri and I headed for the back lounge to relax and enjoy each other’s company. I smiled as she buried her head into my chest and shut her eyes lightly.

“You’re amazing, you know that?” She said with a small yawn. I smiled and gently brushed the hair out of her face.

“You’re more amazing.” I replied. She rolled her eyes and shifted a bit to kiss me lightly. I grinned and kissed back eagerly, pinning her down to the couch. She wrapped her arms around my waist and sighed happily, letting her head fall back as my lips found her neck.

“Ok, ok! Down boy!” She giggled. “As much as I love you, I think I’ve had enough for tonight.” She said suggestively. I smiled to myself and settled back into a sitting position on the couch.

“So,” she started, resting her head on my shoulder, “what’s the plan for next weekend?”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“For my birthday, silly!” She replied. I inwardly groaned. I thought we might run into this issue.
“I’ve told you already, babe.” I said. “We have a show in Texas, I’m not going to be able to be there.”

“Oh, right!” She said with a small smile. She winked at me and pulled out her phone to text one of her friends.

“Bri.” I said seriously. “Look at me. I don’t want you getting your hopes up. I am not going to be at your party. That’s why you’re flying out here next Tuesday. We’re celebrating your birthday then.”

“Josh!” She complained. “I thought you were coming!” She sighed.

“Bri…”

“Come on! I’m your girlfriend.” She said. “Can’t you miss one show?”

“Bri, I’d love to be there, believe me!” I replied, taking her hands in mine. “But, this is my job! I can’t miss a performance.”

“Oh right, can’t disappoint Hayley.” She said sarcastically.

“I can’t disappoint the fans.” I corrected. “Hayley has nothing to do with this.”

“Sure she doesn’t.” Bri huffed quietly. “You follow her around like a lost puppy.”

“Bri, please don’t do this.” I groaned, rubbing my head in frustration. “Look, I love you, ok?”

“If you love me, prove it.” She said. I let my head fall back onto the couch. I hated ultimatums; they never worked in my favor.

“If you love me, skip your show. Show me music isn’t more important to you than your girlfriend.” She said quietly, obviously unsure of herself. I froze. What was I supposed to do? Was Bri worth pissing off loads of fans? If she really loved me shouldn’t she understand how important music is to me?

I thought about my options. I loved Bri, I really did, but I couldn’t disappoint my band mates or my fans, could I? Then again, maybe it would be ok to give Bri this one thing, to prove to her that I did love her. Maybe she would start backing off.

“Bri…” I started. She looked at me, a mixture of fear and hope in her eyes. “I – I can’t…” I finished lamely. “I want to, but I can’t. There would be too many pissed off fans.”

She looked shocked and disgusted with me. Before I knew what was happening, she raised her hand in the air and a hard slapping sound filled the room. My head twisted sideways against my will at the force behind Bri’s blow. I turned slowly back to face her, a surprising calm pulsing through my veins, and raised my hand gently to my face where she had hit me.

“Oh!” She gasped, looking horrified. “Oh my god! Oh my GOD! Josh! I’m so sorry!” I dodged her hands as she tried to assess the damage and held her gently back by the shoulders. One thought kept floating through my brain. Emily was right, Bri needed help and I couldn’t be the one to give it to her. I guess I just, literally, needed a good slap in the face to realize it.

“You can have the apartment.” I said. Bri frowned and her eyebrows moved together dejectedly as she processes what I had said. “I’ll pay my half of next month’s rent so you have time to find a friend to move in and I’ll send Jon over for my stuff sometime next week.” I continued quietly.

Bri opened her mouth to fight back, but she quickly shut it again and nodded slowly. “Okay.” She said in a whisper.

“I’m so sorry it has to be like this.” I said, honestly. “But I just can’t do this anymore.” Bri nodded as a tear rolled down her cheek. She sniffed and wiped it away, only to have more flow down.

“Bri…” I whispered. She was breaking my heart, but I was determined not to go back on what I had said. She wouldn’t win this time. Even so, I pulled her to me and hugged her tight.

“No, no, I understand.” She said, pushing me away gently. She forced a smile and looked at me. “I’m sorry about how I’ve acted, I don’t know what’s wrong with me and I know it’s been incredibly difficult for you. Thank you for putting up with me for as long as you have, I owe you so much for that.” I frowned, not knowing what to say.

“I’ll be ok, I promise.” She kissed me lightly on the cheek and turned swiftly on her heel headed toward the guest bunk. I leaned back onto the couch and sighed. I felt indescribably empty. But at the same time I felt like, for once, everything was going to be all right.