Breathe For Love

So…. This is longer than expected… hahaha. I don’t think anyone will mind though.

Still the same day as Ethan’s birthday party (previous post), just so you know :)

Like always, sorry for grammar/spelling!

“Ok Eth, ready for bed?” Hayley asked. She and Ethan had just finished their nightly snuggle after bath time. Ethan nodded and yawned loudly, still bundled up in a towel from his bath.

“Let’s get your PJs and a fresh diaper on.” Hayley said.

“I’ll do it.” Josh said quietly. “You go get ready for bed, you look exhausted.”

“Thanks.” Hayley mumbled. They had just finished cleaning the house from Ethan’s party before Hayley had given Ethan his bath.

“No Daddy!” Ethan complained when Josh walked toward him with a diaper. “Noooo!” He wailed, tears forming in his eyes. He hopped up in down in frustration and waived his arms around.

“What?” Josh asked, confused. “What’s wrong?”

“He’s just tired.” Hayley informed.

“No dipey!” Ethan cried, waiving Josh away and wiping tears from his tiny face.

“Eth, you have to wear a diaper to bed.” Josh sighed.

“Noooo!” Ethan wailed. “I big boy!” Hayley groaned and walked back into the room to provide backup for Josh. Ethan had been doing very well with potty training recently, and he had been determined to be a ‘big boy’ ever since he had turned three. But he couldn’t make it through the night yet, not that Hayley or Josh expected him to. Even Sammy still had bad nights on rare occasions.

“I know you’re a big boy, but you have to wear your diaper to bed.” Josh explained. Ethan wailed louder and shrank away from Josh when he stepped forward with the diaper once more.

“Just… let him go to bed.” Hayley sighed.

“With nothing at all?” Josh asked. Ethan was still a little young for underwear, all he had at the moment were diapers.

“He has pajama pants…” Hayley pointed out.

“You do realize he will wet the bed, right?” He asked. Hayley nodded. “And he’ll cry.”

Hayley nodded once more.

“He won’t want to go to bed without a diaper again though.” She pointed out. “At least, not until he’s really ready. Sarah and Jeremy did the same thing with Sammy, to show him why he needed to still wear a diaper to bed.” She explained.

“You realize we’ll have to clean up.” Josh continued.

“Yes, Josh.” Hayley sighed.

“At like… two in the morning.” He pointed out.

“Yes, Josh!” Hayley snapped. “I know!”

“Alright.” Josh sighed, giving in. Hayley left the room to find a waterproof mattress pad while Josh calmed Ethan down and took him to the bathroom.

“Don’t need to.” Ethan frowned when Josh stood him in front of the toilet.

“I know, I’d like you to try though.” Josh sighed. “Please, Eth.”

“Are you sure you don’t want to wear a diaper to bed?” Hayley asked when Ethan was finally ready to crawl into bed. The toddler nodded happily and pulled the blankets over himself.

“Ok.” She sighed. “Eth, it’s ok if you have an accident, alright?”

“I wont.” He assured.

“Ok, but if you do, it’s alright.” Josh said.

“Night-night.” Ethan replied, shooing his parents out of the room. Hayley sighed and followed Josh out the door.

“I’ll go buy some pull-ups tomorrow.” Josh yawned as they walked down the hallway. “He needs to step up from diapers anyway.” Hayley froze in place at Josh’s words.

“You ok?” He asked with a frown. Hayley looked up, eyes a bit glossy with tears.

“He’s growing up…” She mumbled.

“Aww…” Josh chuckled. He smiled sympathetically and pulled Hayley into a hug. “What, you want to change his diapers forever?” He joked. Hayley laughed quietly and shook her head no.

She wiped her eyes and sighed, trying to regain her composure. “It’s just… it seems like only yesterday he was an infant… and now, he’s so big!” She blubbered. Josh didn’t say anything, he just rubbed her back soothingly. Once again, he was reminded that he hadn’t been there to watch his son grow from a baby to a toddler.

“I’m sorry.” Hayley whispered. “Ah, I’m fine, really. Just… Mommy moment I guess.” She forced a smile and pulled away from Josh to enter the bedroom.

The two changed in silence and collapsed onto the bed, exhausted. “You alright?” Hayley asked after a few moments silence. “You’ve seemed a little sad today.”

Josh shrugged in reply and sighed. After a few more moments of nothing, he opened his mouth to speak. “When was Ethan born?” He asked.

“What?” Hayley laughed.

“What time?” He asked.

“You kno… wait… I did tell you, didn’t I?” She asked, thinking back to their many conversations about their son.

“No, I have no idea.” Josh said, laughing sarcastically. “I don’t even know what my son looked like as an infant.”

“Oh Josh… I’m so sorry.” She whispered. Everything made sense now. He was sad because it was Ethan’s birthday and he was thinking about all he’d missed.

Hayley felt awful. She had always been so stubborn to the fact that he hadn’t wanted to be there at first. She had never really thought about what missing out on the first years of Ethan’s life had done to Josh. Yes, he had chosen not to be there for her and Ethan at first, and yes, she had hated him for it. But she had never really thought about how he must feel now that he was a part of Ethan’s life. And how much he must regret his decision.

“Hold on.” She smiled.

“What are you doing?” Josh asked curiously as Hayley jumped out of bed.

“Reminiscing.” She grinned, heading for the closet. She reached for the top shelf, standing on her toes and biting on her lower lip as she tried to reach.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” Josh yelped, jumping out of bed and running to her side. He gently nudged her out of the way and reached up.

“I can reach!” Hayley complained.

“It’s ok, I got it.” Josh said with a nervous smile. “What are you trying to get?” He asked. Hayley frowned suspiciously, but pointed to a photo album. Josh pulled it down easily and handed it over.

“Hold on a sec…” He smiled. He ran out of the room and returned a few moments later with a bottle of red wine and two wine glasses. Hayley smiled and laid the album out on the bed while Josh poured a small amount of wine into each glass.

“Ok, start at the beginning.”  Josh smiled. He flipped to the very beginning of the album to see a few polaroids of a profile view of Hayley’s abdomen. Under each photo, a month was written in Hayley’s mother’s handwriting.

“Ugh, my mom made me do those.” Hayley groaned. “She thought it would be cute.” Josh looked at each polaroid with a smile. Hayley’s stomach had been almost completely flat up until the photo labeled “Week 17”, after that, she’d blown up like crazy.

“Why does it stop at week 28?” Josh asked, flipping through the first few pages in search of more polaroids.

“Because my stomach started looking disgusting after the seven month mark.” Hayley laughed. “Loads of stretch-marks, so gross! I refused to do any more after that. My mom wasn’t happy.” She giggled.

“Ahh.” Josh nodded. “Well, how did things go when you were pregnant?”

“Uh, well…” Hayley started, not really sure where to begin. “It was one of those… technologically too advanced types of things.”

“What?” Josh asked, confused.

“Thanks to all the crazy 3D ultrasounds and other medical crap, they thought they found about ten different ‘life threatening issues’ with Ethan while he was inside me.” Hayley explained.

“Yikes…” Josh said.

“Yeah… One of the more likely issues was that he might have an enlarged stomach, which would have meant I had to give birth at some special hospital in Nashville rather than the hospital here.” Josh frowned and rubbed Hayley’s back as she continued talking.

“It was a big mess. I dreaded every single appointment.” She sighed. “It was always ‘what more could go wrong?’ and it sucked. But, in the end, the doctors were all full of crap. Ethan was absolutely perfect when he was born.” She recalled with a smile. “He was born at 4:37 in the afternoon.”

“4:37…” Josh repeated with a smile.

“He was a huge baby. For someone my size anyway…” Hayley giggled. “8 pounds, 4 ounces, 20 inches long.”

Even though she couldn’t see his face, she could tell Josh was grinning like a madman. She turned the page in the photo album from ultrasound photos to the first photo that had ever been taken of their son.

In the photo, Ethan was bundled up in a blanket and Hayley’s mom was holding him against Hayley’s chest. Hayley looked exhausted, but she had the biggest smile on her face as she stared at the baby boy laying on top of her, with tears in her eyes.

“I had to have a c-section.” Hayley explained as Josh started to point to a strange blue divider just below Hayley’s chest in the photo. “I tried natural birth for a few hours, but he just wasn’t coming out.”

“That’s the scar.” He whispered, placing his hand on Hayley’s lower abdomen. Hayley nodded and rested her head on Josh’s shoulder.

“You know… I called you the day he was born.” She whispered.

“Really?” Josh asked, surprised.

“Yeah.” She replied. “I knew he would be coming soon, and I was just… so confused and scared and… I dunno, before I actually realized what I was doing, the phone was at my ear and I was calling you.” She explained. She laughed quietly before she continued. “I don’t know if it was the sound of your voice, or my heart beating faster or… what… but as soon as you picked up the phone, he kicked super hard and then… my water broke.”

“Oh my god! I remember that!” Josh gasped. “I said ‘hello’, I heard a gasp and then… nothing. You hung up! I never knew who that was.”

“Yep, that was me.” Hayley laughed. “Did you not have caller ID?” She asked, raising an eyebrow.

“It said ‘restricted’” He replied with a shrug.

“Oh…” She mumbled. She grabbed her wine glass and downed what was left of the liquid inside, holding it out after for more.

“So, how was life with Ethan once he was born?” Josh asked as he refilled their glasses.

“Difficult.” Hayley replied honestly. “I got absolutely no sleep. He was always hungry and, good lord! breastfeeding was a pain in the ass…” She muttered. Josh laughed softly and hugged her sideways. “He was so beautiful though…” She smiled. “I liked to just… stare at him.” She added with a laugh. “My little Peanut.”

“Your little what?” Josh asked with a laugh.

“My Peanut!” Hayley replied with a smile. “That was what I called him. Peanut.”

“That’s cute.” Josh said. Hayley nodded and flipped through the album, showing off photos of infant-Ethan.

“He scared the crap out of me one day…” Hayley recalled with a laugh as Josh looked at the photos.

“How did he do that?” Josh asked.

“When he was about five weeks old, he projectile vomited like four times in a day.” Hayley started. “That was one of the signs that something might be wrong with his stomach, like they were thinking while he was still in utero. So I freaked out and brought him to the emergency room. Turned out it was just GER.”

“GE what?” Josh asked.

“Acid reflux, more or less.” Hayley shrugged.

“Oh…” He replied. “And that… was ok?”

“Yeah, I guess it’s somewhat common.” She answered. “I just had to keep him upright as much as I could. Not lay him down flat, or on his stomach, crib had to be raised a little on one end, things like that. It went away when he was about three months old or so.”

“Wow…” Josh sighed. “I don’t know how you did it. I would have freaked out at every little thing he did. I probably would have brought him to the hospital thinking something was wrong, only to find out he simply had the hiccups or something.”

“I could see that happening.” Hayley laughed.

“Apparently my dad did that with Nate.” Josh admitted with a laugh.

Hayley smiled faintly and pulled the blankets over her shoulders as bad memories flooded her brain. “The baby books helped a lot.” She admitted. “Most things he did were explained as ‘normal behavior’ in the books I had.”

“Still though…” Josh shook his head. “I don’t think I could ever have done what you did on my own.” Hayley forced a smile and looked away quickly with a shiver.

“Are you ok?” Josh asked. Hayley shook her head and gasped quietly. “Whoa! What’s wrong?” He asked comfortingly when he realized she was crying. She shook her head and allowed Josh to pull her into his arms. This happened to her every time she really thought about Ethan’s infancy. She couldn’t help it, she felt so guilty…

“Shh…” He soothed. “What is it? What’s wrong? Did I say something?”

“No, no.” Hayley gasped. “I… it’s me.”

“What is it?” He asked again. “You can tell me.”

“I was a horrible mother.” She choked out.

“What? No you weren’t!” Josh scoffed. “You are a great mother!”

“No! Josh… I… God! I couldn’t do it!” She rambled.

“Couldn’t do what?” Josh asked hesitantly. “Hayley, you’re not making sense.”

“He was such a handful… and I had my mom and sisters to help me, but… I felt horrible making them go through all that for a mistake I made…” She continued.

“What… what happened?” Josh asked quietly.

“I did all the research, and I almost set up an appointment. It seemed like the best option for him to have a good life.”

“What research? What are you talking about?” Josh demanded. Hayley stopped and looked Josh in the eyes. She looked so fragile.

“I… I thought about giving him up.” She whispered, voice barely audible. “For adoption.”

“You… really?” Josh asked. He had been expecting something much worse. Tears sprung to her eyes once more and she flung herself against his chest.

“I was seriously considering it.” She choked out. “I wanted him to have the b-best possible life. But I c-couldn’t do it.”

“Hayley!” Josh laughed. “Hayley, it’s ok. Everyone has doubts! And you didn’t do it. You kept him, you raised him, and you did a damn good job at it!”

“No! It’s not ok!” Hayley snapped. “I almost gave up our son, Josh!”

“But you didn’t.” Josh pointed out. “And you had his best interests at heart.” Hayley sighed and wiped her eyes. “Don’t feel guilty about something you didn’t do.” He added softly. “Ethan is happy, you’re happy, I’m happy, everything is fine.”

“No one knows.” She said quietly before she stood up and walked to the bathroom to find a tissue, leaving Josh on the bed with the photo album to digest everything.

“What made you change your mind?” He asked hesitantly after a few moments. Hayley laughed quietly to herself and sat back down next to Josh, wiping more tears away.

“He smiled.” She replied simply. “My Peanut smiled for the first time. I was frustrated and stressed out and he just looked up at me and… smiled. All the problems just melted away in that moment. My son smiled at me. He didn’t care that we were living at my mother’s house. He didn’t care that we had limited funds. He didn’t care that I still hadn’t found a job. He was happy just the way things were. Something about that… I don’t know. I just knew everything would be ok.”

Josh bit his lip and hugged Hayley. “I am so sorry.” He whispered. Tears stung at his eyes, but he forced himself not to let them fall.

“Hey! We made it through ok on our own. And you’re here now.” Hayley said. “That’s all that matters.”

“Still…”

“No.” Hayley said firmly. “Josh, don’t. You’re here now. This is the time when he needs his father. Yes, I admit, it would have been nice if you were there when he was a baby, but things wouldn’t have been any different. We still would have had the exact same issues I had on my own and it probably would have torn us apart. We weren’t ready then. Please don’t beat yourself up about this. I need you to forget about the past, I have. Ethan needs your undivided attention. Wishing you could go back and change things isn’t going to fix anything. Just be here now.”

Josh smiled and nodded. He could do that. There would always be a part of him that wished he would have been there, but he was suddenly confidant that he could push that part to the back of his mind and enjoy life with his girlfriend and his son now.

“Besides, one day you will get to experience the joys of infancy.” Hayley giggled. Josh cocked his head to the side and smiled.

“You want another baby?” He asked tentatively. Hayley blushed slightly and shrugged.

“Someday, yeah.” She admitted. “Maybe… get married first… you know, get things a little more organized.” Josh smiled and kissed her softly.

“I can see that happening someday.” He whispered against her lips. She sighed, eyes fluttering shut, and kissed him passionately.

“Noooo.” He complained as things started to get heavy. “I want to hear more Ethan stories.” He complained. Hayley raised an eyebrow in slight disbelief and laughed. Seconds later, crying came from Ethan’s bedroom.

“Lucky you!” Hayley laughed. “You get to experience yet another Ethan-story firsthand!” She grabbed Josh’s hand and pulled him into the hall towards their son’s room.

“What’s wrong Eth?” She asked as she pushed Ethan’s door open, knowing full well what the problem would be.

“I’m wet.” He sobbed.

“It’s ok baby.” Hayley assured. “Everything will be alright.”

“It was just an accident, buddy. It’s ok.” Josh soothed. “Come on, let’s get you cleaned up.” 

And that is the last we will see of regretful Josh. :)

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!! I didn't do a Halloween one shot this year :/ Darn... haha
Maybe I'll magically think of something by the end of the day tomorrow... though I doubt it, lol.