Breathe For Love

“To burn with desire and keep quiet about it is the greatest punishment we can bring on ourselves.”
Josh read the quote and scowled. Hayley had taken to writing a new ‘motivational quote’ on the small whiteboard in the front lounge of their tour bus daily. The boys mostly ignored the quotes, but every once and a while, one would strike a chord with them. Today’s quote shook Josh right to his inner core. How could she know exactly how he was feeling but be utterly oblivious to it at the same time?
~*~
He couldn’t keep his eyes off Her…Hayley, the beautiful goddess that was just out of his reach. She bounded around the stage with such energy and confidence, she clearly felt right at home in front of the thousands of fans. It was where she belonged, what she was meant to do.
He watched her hips move as she danced along to the music and nearly melted when she sang her high notes flawlessly. In his mind, she had the voice of an angel. An angel he could never have.
~*~
“Josh?” Hayley asked after the show.
“Hmm?” He replied. His mind was still in Hayley-land.
“Are you alright?” She asked, reaching out and touching his arm. He felt a jolt run through his body and his eyes snapped shut. Her touch always put him on a high and he was sickeningly addicted.
“Uh, fine.” He shook his head. “Just tired.”
“Tired? We just played a show and you’re tired?” She said, unconvinced. Josh nodded. They piled on to the bus and Josh headed straight for his bunk.
~*~
That night, Josh couldn’t sleep. He tossed and turned, but it was no use. He finally sighed and pulled himself out of his bunk. He quietly walked to the front lounge, not bothering to find proper clothes, and turned on the satellite to see what was on television.
Half an hour later, She poked her head out of the door that blocked the front lounge off from the bunks.
“Josh? Why are you up?” Hayley said quietly. Josh jumped in fright, but smiled at the sound of her voice.
“Can’t sleep.” He said casually. “Did I wake you?” She shook her head and sat next to him, resting her head on his shoulder. He smiled and put an arm around her, heart soaring, before turning his attention back to Family Guy.
Something gleaming caught Josh’s eye as the light from the television screen bounced off the walls.  He turned his head slightly to see what it was.
The whiteboard glowed back at him, showing him that stupid quote. He tried ignoring it, but his mind kept screaming ‘tell her!’
He weighed his options. On one hand, he had kept his secret so long he felt part of him was being eaten away. He was quiet around her now, more reserved for fear he’d let himself be discovered.
His feelings for her had become so strong, he felt like he was dying inside unless he was around her. Her scent, the way she smiled, the way she laughed…
He thought about how it would be if she liked him back, he could finally be happy. He was by no means depressed, but if he could be with her, he was sure he’d truly be happy.
But he also thought about what would happen if she shot him down, which was the likely option. He would feel horrid. He would never be able to look at her again without feeling mortified, or getting angry. He would lose her friendship, her trust…he would lose her. He groaned as his mind looped through hundreds of scenarios over and over again.
“You alright?” Hayley asked, snapping Josh out of his daze.
“I think I need to tell you something.” He said quietly, almost not believing the words coming from his mouth.
“What?” Hayley sat up straight and looked at him. Josh bit his lip, he couldn’t say it, it was too dangerous.
“Josh, you can tell me.” Hayley said, grabbing his hand encouragingly.
“I love you.” He said quietly, regretting the words instantly.
“Aw, I love you too buddy!” Hayley grinned.
“No, you don’t understand.” He said desperately. “I lo-”
“I understand.” Hayley cut him off. “I – I’m sorry.” She looked away. Josh felt his heart shatter.
“Shit.” He muttered.
“Look,” Hayley said, grasping his hands again, “you’ve been on tour with me for…how many years now? You haven’t had any time to hang around any other girls for a decent amount of time. You just think you love me because you know me so well.”
“No.” Josh shook his head firmly. “I really do. I have since I was 13. I may not have known the feeling at the time, but its true.”
“Josh…” Hayley said quietly, rubbing her forehead.
“Hayley, this has been driving me mad for years now. It’s been killing me to keep this to myself, so let me talk before you shoot me down.” He said. She said nothing, allowing him to continue. He took a deep breath and began talking.
“When I first met you, I was completely taken aback. You know how long it took for me to actually talk to you, this was why.” He said, gaining confidence with every word he spoke. “Every day you do something new to amaze me. You always put a smile on my face. That quote you put up today, ‘to burn with desire and do nothing about it is the greatest punishment we can bring on ourselves’, I don’t think you realize just how true that is.” He said, looking into her eyes. She said nothing.
“This secret has been eating away at me for years now. It sucks!” He grew angry as her face still showed no emotion. “Every single insignificant thing you do makes me happy. And it kills me that I can’t be with you, that I can’t be the one to protect you and make you smile.” Hayley sat in shock. How could she not have realized?
“Josh…” She finally spoke. “I-I’m so sorry.” Josh sighed.
“Don’t apologize.” He said harshly.
“Well what am I supposed to say?” Hayley whispered angrily. “That I love you too so let’s get together? It’s not that easy Josh!”
What little hope he had left burned bright. If ‘it wasn’t that easy’ that meant it was complicated, that meant that maybe she liked him back but she was scared to act on the feeling.
She looked him in the eyes and moved her head closer. Josh leaned forward quickly and kissed her. She closed her eyes and relaxed into the kiss. His tongue slipped between her lips as he placed his hand on the back of her neck. Josh beamed; he was as high as a kite.
Until Hayley shoved him away roughly…
“No!” She said quickly, backing away and shaking her head. “I’m so sorry.” She turned and ran for her bunk.
Just like that, Josh came crashing back down to earth, hard.
He sat, stunned, for what seemed like hours. Hayley’s quote was wrong, to put your heart out there to get stomped all over was the greatest punishment anyone could bring on themselves…

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…sorry, had to have ONE fic that didn't turn out well... If it does end up being a full on fic, I swear it will have a happy ending. :)